The Joy of Sex

[May 28th, 2008]

For crying out loud. It’s been a decade since Sex and the City’s four Man-hungry-hattanites strutted, sipped and slutted their way into our hearts forever. So if you’ve lost momentum since the TV series ended four years ago—with Carrie in Mr. Big’s wealthy arms, Charlotte in Harry’s circumcised arms, Miranda in Steve’s scrawny arms and Samantha in many, many arms—we cast no judgment. Rather, we present you with our guide to help you recap, refreshen and remotivate for the movie debut on Friday, May 30. Pour the cosmo into this season’s Fendi flask and go on with your fierce, fabulous self.

CARRIE

The show’s voiceover-analyzer, Carrie drops life one-liners via her NYC paper column, highlighting the traipsing of the quartet. You’ll relate if your friends come to you for relationship advice or if you blew this month’s rent at Nordstrom Rack.

WHAT SHE’S PROBABLY BEEN UP TO THE PAST FOUR YEARS:

Driving herself and Mr. Big to the brink of insanity with inane, open-ended love-life questions. And attending sample sales.

WHAT SHE’D SAY TO HER CURRENT BOO SO HE’D SPRING FOR A PAIR OF TICKETS:

The movie’s for job research, but after we can hit the Doug Fir for Fir Burgers and the midnight-special shag room rate.

MIRANDA

Red is the frumpy, food-loving, anal-retentive high-powered partner in a law firm. You’ll love her if you order out from Mandarin Cove weekly, like being on top, or watch British soap operas on your days off.

WHAT SHE’S PROBABLY BEEN UP TO THE PAST FOUR YEARS:

Realizing motherhood’s not all it’s cracked up to be and developing a drinking problem to mask the daily reality of shitty diapers and throw-up.

WHAT SHE’D SAY TO HER CURRENT BOO SO HE’D SPRING FOR A PAIR OF TICKETS:

Jesus, I’m going to need to get shitfaced to sit through this. We’re sneaking in a bottle of Goldschläger.

CHARLOTTE

The cultured classy former curator for a Soho gallery, this high-maintenance control freak plans her “classic-6” life on her BlackBerry and is nauseatingly naive. You’ll adore her if you Web order from Anthropologie or think penises are fugly and refuse to put your mouth on them.

WHAT SHE’S PROBABLY BEEN UP TO THE PAST FOUR YEARS:

Starching and ironing her husband’s undies, and collecting parasols.

WHAT SHE’D SAY TO HER CURRENT BOO SO HE’D SPRING FOR A PAIR OF TICKETS:

Going to the movies together is so romantic. And it makes me horny.

SAMANTHA

Blondie owns a PR company and takes on clients who are bigger pains in the ass than she is. She enjoys her one-night stands above, well, everything else in life. You’ll love her if you blew this month’s rent on condoms.

WHAT SHE’S PROBABLY BEEN UP TO THE PAST FOUR YEARS:

Fighting Father Time with frequent batches of Botox and daily pussy-clenching exercises.

WHAT SHE’D SAY TO HER CURRENT BOO SO HE’D SPRING FOR A PAIR OF TICKETS:

This flick only lasts two hours. I’ll ride you for four.

MR. BIG

He’s rich. He’s handsome. He’s hung. His Portland equivalent is Dan Wieden. You can relate to him if you’re rich, handsome and hung. Or if your name is Dan Wieden.

WHAT HE’S PROBABLY BEEN UP TO THE PAST FOUR YEARS:

Stacking coin, laying nest eggs, opening offshore accounts and having a lot of sex in the missionary position with Carrie.

WHAT HE’D SAY TO HIS CURRENT BOO SO THEY’D SPRING FOR A PAIR OF TICKETS:

(Just buy the damn tickets, Dan. You’ll thank us later.)

STANFORD BLATCH

A sassy, self-employed talent agent, Stanny is Carrie’s queenie confidant, a friendship he takes great, gay pride in. You’ll love him if you spend Sundays slurping melon mimosas at Crush or prance around the Pearl with your female bestie.

WHAT HE’S PROBABLY BEEN UP TO THE PAST FOUR YEARS:

Adding more Adonises to his talent agency and attempting to suckle all of them.

WHAT HE’D SAY TO HIS CURRENT BOO SO THEY’D SPRING FOR A PAIR OF TICKETS:

I heard Casey’s is throwing the VIP-only after-party with goody bag giveaways and I’m on the guest list, plus-one.