[June 18th, 2008]

Air guitar: A sacred U.S. pastime long practiced in poster-plastered bedrooms across this country—a tradition so American it makes apple pie look like Nazi propaganda.

Sadly, international air-guitar competition has been mastered by other countries like Finland, which started the world championships in 1996, and Japan. It is in this hostile environment that the US Air Guitar Championships makes a PDX pit-stop Tuesday. Team U.S.A. is touring 24 cities, looking for rockers who can compete in the national finals in San Francisco and the world championships on Finland’s Kuusisaari Island.

We here at WW are doing our part to ensure a U.S. victory. We’ve enlisted the tallest, freakiest-looking dude we could find—a local DJ known as DMoeFunk, or Dan Moe—and we’re training him to be a cold-blooded air-guitar killer. Our secret weapon? Highly decorated NYC air guitarist Dan Crane, MC for the Portland competition. We asked Crane (a.k.a. Bjorn to Rock, as seen in the 2006 doc Air Guitar Nation) for pointers on making our rocker the most dominant force since U.S.A.’s David “C-Diddy” Jung dominated the World Championships back in 2003.

CULT OF PERSONALITY: “Don’t be afraid of the outlandish,” Crane says. “But also don’t mimic a rock star that exists. You don’t want to dress him as [AC/DC guitarist] Angus Young. He is his own rock star. You want to come up with something that embodies that.” For Moe, this means a wicked leather jacket with long fringe. His girlfriend’s tights and a pair of athletic shoes complete the look.

ON WITH THE SHOW: Moe’s killer move is a facial expression that can only be described as completely reprehensible. We call it the Stumptown Gag-Inducer, and it is more disgusting than Gene Simmons. Getting Moe’s lanky frame to perform acrobatic feats has proven a more difficult prospect. “A good high kick always works,” Crane says. “But I’m tired of the stage dive. Nobody has done a good one on this tour, they keep falling on the floor. It looks painful.”

THE SONG REMAINS THE SAME: Moe’s plan was to craft the ultimate rock mash-up, with a few techno twists. Crane advises against it: “I have not seen that be very successful,” he says. But if we go the medley route, the rocker recommends “telling a story.” “It should start off slow, have pauses…and it’s just gotta build to a great climax.”

DON'T STOP BELIEVING: “Give them something they might like—a high kick, a jump, a little tongue swagger,” Crane says. He says that Moe should always believe that he’s “making sweet love” to the crowd. “That’s my secret. I look out over the audience and I think, ‘I’m having sex with all of you right now.’ I try to avoid looking at really ugly dudes, and keep my eyes on the hot chicks. That really helps.”

MORE: US Air Guitar Championships take place at Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd Ave., 226-6630. 9 pm Tuesday, June 24. $12 advance, $15 door. Register to compete (slots were still available as of press time) at usairguitar.com.

^VIDEO: Air Apparent Dan Moe

Here's our rocker, Dan Moe, in action during the WW photoshoot. It's worth noting that no music was playing while he busted a move. The song is "By the Mark" by Portland's own Danava. Find them at myspace.com/danava.

Dan Moe a.k.a. Fantasy from localcut on Vimeo.

^Headout Picks

FRIDAY JUNE 20

[SCREEN] CHOP SHOP WW critic AP Kryza’s favorite movie from this year’s Portland International Film Festival—the story of a streetwise boy from Queens trying to save money for a burrito cart—opens for an extended run. Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy Blvd., 281-4215. Friday-Thursday, June 20-26. $4-$6.50. See page 55.

[SMACKDOWN] SPORTFIGHT XXIII

Rear-naked chokes and submission holds. It all sounds pretty gay, doesn’t it? Decide for yourself at Sportfight XXIII, where everybody beat the bejesus out of one another—all in the name of mixed martial arts. Rose Quarter Arena, 1401 N Wheeler Ave., 235-8771. 7 pm. $25-$48. sportfight.tv.

[MUSIC] SNOOP DOG, WARREN G, THA DOGG POUND, ETC.

Snoop Dogg is the Dean Martin of our time. Loved by everyone and always faded out of his mind, he’s the epitome of cool, and despite his recent Hollywoodization, he’s still down with the D.P.G. Roseland, 8 NW 6th Ave., 224-2038. 8 pm. $35 advance, $40 day of show. All ages.

SATURDAY JUNE 21

[ROLL-UR-OWN] ROSE CITY ROLLERS

The semi-finals match of the “Rodeo Roller Derby” pits the High Rollers against the undefeated Break Neck Betties, and Guns N Rollers against the Heartless Heathers. Portland Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive, 736-5200. 5:45 pm. $18-$26.

[NO.PO] ST. JOHNS NO. FEST

For 12 hours, the St. Johns ’hood plays host to some of the best experimental, free-jazz, improvisational and electronic music Portland has to offer at four alt-venues, from a gelato shop to the ‘hood’s town square. St. Johns. All day. Free.

SUNDAY JUNE 22

[SUNDAY DRIVE] SUNDAY PARKWAYS

It’s a cyclist’s wet dream: A six-mile loop of North Portland streets will be temporarily traffic-free for people to walk, run, bike and roll. And parks along the route will serve as pit stops full of food stands and family entertainment. To see which streets will be closed, go to gettingaroundportland.com, 8 am-2 pm. Free.

MONDAY JUNE 23

[MUSIC] RZA AS BOBBY DIGITAL, STONE MECCA

If Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) was his thesis statement and last year’s under-received 8 Diagrams his dissertation, then listening to RZA’s solo output is like a philosophy major reading Kierkegaard for the first time and realizing he has it all wrong. Hawthorne Theatre, 3862 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 233-7100. 8 pm. $20 advance, $25 day of. All ages.