[June 18th, 2008]

WINNERS

1. Life gets easier for sororities, frats, speakeasy proprietors and Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski , now that the Oregon Liquor Control Commission will allow unlimited same-day deliveries of beer and wine. Critics say last week’s decision makes it too easy for teens to get soused. Hey, beats sending your least drunk pal out on a beer run.

2. It’s gotta be the Speedo: The Aussie-based sportswear brand dealt Nike a rare PR defeat when seven Nike-sponsored swimmers begged off wearing Nike swimsuits at the U.S. Olympic trials next week. The swimmers want to sport Speedo’s new LZR Racer, which they say makes them faster. Insert your “Battle of the Bulge” joke here. (For more local Olympic news, see "Faster, Higher, Louder" in this issue.)

3. Immigration lawyers and Portland’s powerful pols can’t keep the feds from messing with the city’s illegal immigrants, but they can beat U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. Under pressure from opponents, USCIS dropped its office move from Portland to West Linn, where it would have been far from public transportation, and the would-be citizens and visa-holders seeking to get their papers in order.

LOSERS

1. U.S. Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.) played it as straight as a Pride parade drag queen last week while explaining in a long-winded ramble his opposition to expanded federal gay-partnership rights. His answer veered off oddly into a history lesson on the victimization of Mormon polygamists (watch the video below). “My campaign people will kill me for saying this,” Smith noted. Nah.

2. Opponents of gay rights gave up their latest unholy grail: trying this year to overturn domestic partnerships and anti-discrimination protections for gays. The anti-gay crowd blames the courts for its inability to gather enough signatures to put their proposals on the ballot. We blame common sense.

3. As first reported on WWire, Lake Grove Elementary School Principal Sara Deboy urged Lake Oswego parents to please refrain from sending limousines to pick up their kids on the last day of school. Deboy was concerned about parking-lot gridlock. The Score, who walked to school (uphill both ways), is more concerned about spoiled brats. What are these kids going to do come high school? Have Jeeves order the beer?

4. The now-defunct accounting giant Arthur Andersen took a hit when a judge ruled for investors in their lawsuit against former Portland investment manager Craig Berkman. The firm that became notorious as Enron’s enabler was ordered to pay local investors $23 million for mishandling the books in a series of deceptive Berkman-brokered deals. Get in line, creditors.

^Sen. Smith Video