Kvetch Fest
27 things we hate about the city we love.
July 2nd, 2008
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June 25th, 2008
Get Wet: WW’s Summer Guide 2008 | The rain is finally over. Now let’s get wet!1 comment
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New Kids In The Flock | Gresham’s twin teenage sensations go about their Father’s business. And it’s making them superstars.43 comments
June 11th, 2008
The Price is WHAT? | Second-guessing City Hall—it’s more fun than Monopoly! 17 comments
June 4th, 2008
Welcome to Googleville | America’s newest information superhighway begins On Oregon’s Silicon Prairie.18 comments
May 28th, 2008
Fleeced | While students across Oregon celebrate graduation, many are facing a gnawing problem—they’re getting sheared by huge debt.57 comments
May 21st, 2008
A Bridge Over The River Why? | Local pols say global warming is a dire threat. But they want to spend $4.2 billion on a project that makes driving easier.70 comments
May 14th, 2008
Higher Ed | Reed College is exceptional for more than academics. It’s one of America’s most permissive colleges for experimenting with drugs.555 comments
May 7th, 2008
Best New Band 2008 | Portland music insiders take our local scene to the chopping block—and come out with 10 new faves. 0 comments
April 30th, 2008
For The Love of Politics | WW’s endorsement page-turner has all the candidates worth falling for this election.36 comments
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[April 9th, 2008]
Out-of-staters swarm here for their own slice of our progressive, probably vegan pie.
And the national media dotes on our city like all 550,000 of us have a stash of compromising photos featuring them in an orgy with farm animals.
It’s our food, our art, our music, our politics and our sustainability that draw praise and busloads of gawking yokels to this little city. But more than that, it’s the general warm feeling that swells through the limbs when one walks Portland’s streets.
We must crush that warmth.
That’s because for most Portlanders, this popularity boom has been bad news. The flood of transplants clawing at our utopia drives up our rents, crowds our restaurants and competes for our jobs. Portland is on course to become the next San Francisco: a paradise no one can afford. This city has marketed itself right into a corner. It’s time to blacken Portland’s image a bit, for its own good.
If you love Portland, hate on it.
Enter “Kvetchfest,” one man’s annual series of bitter, petty, pessimistic rants that generally shit on everything—and hopefully poke holes in the Portland hype. Of course, Kvetchfest alone can’t turn away the advancing hordes from California and beyond. But it’s a start. If we all band together for a little self-hatred, maybe we can persuade prospective Portlanders not to crowd out our way of life for a little longer.
To that end, this issue contains a bright red page that reads “Kvetch This.” Cut it out and stick it to things in Portland that you hate. Then snap a photo—or make a video link—and send it to us at kvetch@wweek.com. We’ll post the good ones on this page, and in so doing hopefully save our village by destroying it.
Let the gripes begin.
“On the Go With Joe”: Each weekday starting at 4:30 am, Joe Vithayathil brings his forced smile, wide, nervous eyes and utterly patronizing tone to family-friendly attractions around Oregon. This sad excuse for local news is “On the Go With Joe,” the human-interest segment of KPTV-12’s morning show, Good Day Oregon. As if waking up to Joe V.’s manic presence weren’t jarring enough, KPTV has an unnerving habit of cutting straight from hard news—say, the latest Iraq casualities or a murder-suicide in Troutdale—to Joe pointing his shit-eating grin at a four-story water slide or a pie-eating contest. To be fair, a lot of Troutdale murder-suicides happen at pie-eating contests.
Cheesy Thai restaurant names: Many are the reasons to complain about Portland’s Thai restaurants. One, there are too many: A quick search of dexonline.com yielded no fewer than 42 with Portland addresses. Two, it’s rare to find a Thai joint actually run by Thais: More often owners are either tofu-loving white people or immigrants from Southeast Asian countries with less marketable cuisines who are pandering to, well, tofu-loving white people. Three, ketchup makes regular appearances in Portland’s pad Thai, mostly thanks—once again—to the tastes and influence of tofu-loving white people. But we could swallow these ubiquitous, tomatoey, Americanized fried noodles if it weren’t for the sickeningly cutesy plays on the word “Thai.” Portland features, among others, Thai Noon, My Thai, Mai Thai, Appethaizing, Typhoon! and, in a tie for worst, Thai Pod (cringe) and Beau Thai—a pun in Thai and French that makes sense only in English. The name manages to disgrace three languages in just two words. Diabolical.
Lakers fans at Trail Blazers Games: You can take the douchebag out of L.A., but you can’t take L.A. out of the douchebag. Need proof? Next time the Lakers come to town, go watch the convoy of Hummer H2s converge on the Rose Garden and vomit out Jack Nicholson’s retarded cousins: guys with slicked-back hair, leather jackets and kanji tattoos, wearing wrap-around shades indoors and standing up to chant “M-V-P!” every time Kobe goes to the line. Thankfully, the turnout has lessened slightly since the Kobe sex scandal in 2003. Not that these assholes are turned off by adultery—they were just disappointed to find out Kobe’s not as into date rape as they are.
Neighborhood nicknames: This ugly trend can be traced to a back room full of scheming, condo-building assholes who plucked “Pearl District” out of thin air because it sounded marketable. Now cute aliases infect every improving area of Portland. NoPo (North Portland), SoWa (South Waterfront), LoBu (Lower Burnside)…the list goes on. Maybe the cash-happy out-of-towners inflating our rent like these obnoxious abbreviations because they’re easy to text. As in, “omg u hav 2 c my new condo in sowa its 2 nice 4 locals lol.” Next time Portland needs to nickname a neighborhood, let’s just call it what it is: the latest neighborhood you can’t afford to live in.
“I write for a blog” pick-up lines: So wrong for so many reasons. Wrong because it was actually overheard—clearly being used as an icebreaker—from a ginger-bearded hobo impersonator near Northeast Alberta Street. Wrong because no one should even think that taking a break from torrenting porn in order to rant obsessively on the Internet will impress girls. Wrong because “blogger” is the least-sexy title ever invented. And wrong because “writing for a blog” is not impressive; all it takes is a MySpace page and the wish to give unsolicited opinions to strangers. Whatever happened to “Come here often?” Or, “Nice tits. I got a van outside”?
Annual plea for Sandy River lifeguards: Every summer, some drunken redneck drowns in the Sandy River, and local hand-wringers blame it on a lack of lifeguards. The poor bastards who drown—rest their sloppy, Larry the Cable Guy-loving souls—don’t need lifeguards. They need high-school diplomas, shirts with sleeves, and the sense not to pound a case of Natural Ice and toss themselves off 30-foot cliffs into unscouted depths.
Kvetchfest: What’s funny, catchy and easily identifiable? Yiddish! Hence this story’s goddamn title, shoved down my throat by the Sudafed-hoarding Willamette Week editors. What kind of grown-ups work for an alt-weekly, anyway? I’ll tell you what: [censored for reader protection].
The word “edgy”: Whenever this adjective comes out of someone’s mouth—as in “Kvetchfest is so edgy”—I expect it to be followed shortly by the “hardcore” hand sign and a yell of “Bling bling!”
The cost of pasta: Somehow a plate of noodles and tomato sauce—the food college kids eat when they’ve blown their last 20 on a dub sack—can rarely be found at Portland restaurants for less than $10. Yet $4.95 and a Safeway Club card can stuff a houseful of red-eyed Family Guy addicts with spaghetti. And before you restaurateurs start shouting about hidden costs and bottom lines, go fight the dinnertime lines at La Buca, one of Portland’s few cheap pasta champions. So, to the rest of you Portland Italian restaurants: Stop profiteering off carb-starved reggae fans and start dropping the price of a plate of pasta into the single digits.
Well-dressed panhandlers: If you’re going to beg for change at an intersection, look like you need it. If you sleep outside and wear a Gore-Tex jacket, you’re not homeless. You’re camping.
Washed-up pols growing beards: Bill Richardson is the latest example of this disturbing trend. The New Mexico governor, foiled presidential candidate and Clinton deserter sported a jail pussy when he endorsed Barack Obama for president at Obama’s Portland rally last month. But Richardson isn’t the first pol to adopt what we’re calling “the guidance counselor.” That honor goes to Al Gore (right under the “invented the Internet” line, we’re sure, on his résumé). Sloppy in the wake of his Nobel Prize, Gore’s been growing out his Tipper-tickler as if his Gillette Mach 3 runs on fossil fuels. And it’s not just aging Clinton flunkies hiding their extra chins. Portland’s own Tom “Am I Still Mayor?” Potter is getting scruffier by the day. In this era of carefully crafted public images and focus-grouped power ties, every detail of a politician’s appearance is tailored to send a message to voters. So, what do these beards tell us? Richardson’s says, “Do you think Hillary will still recognize me? Christ, I’m terrified of her.” Gore’s says, “Remember how I saved the world? Say something. I dare you.” And Potter’s says, “All I’m visioning these days is a 12-pack of Michelob and my Boy Meets World DVDs.”
The downtown bar scene: Despite being in the heart of Portland, the knot of pubs and clubs around Southwest 2nd Avenue and Burnside no longer serves Portlanders. On weekends the entire area reeks of Axe body spray, as it’s overrun by Jäger-slurping ex-frat boys from the suburbs. Kells is a decent bar during the week, but all you see on Saturday is fake-’n’-bake blondes dripping lip gloss and gym rats from McMinnville who wear Red Sox caps and talk about the Curse of the Bambino like they don’t have a Derek Jeter jersey at home. Gel-happy metrosexuals cruise the Greek Cusina, telling everyone, “I’m not gay. I know I’m wearing flared jeans. You wanna fight?” At the end of the night the whole ugly crew piles into a fleet of Chevy Tahoes and Dodge Magnums, turns up the Toby Keith, and swerves back to cul-de-sacs of aluminum siding in Tigard to talk about how much they love “the city”—except for all its weirdos on bikes and disquieting lack of Red Robin franchises.
McMenamins: McMenamins does a lot right. It transforms historic ruins into surreal hotels and rambling estates. It shows cheap, second-run movies that can be watched from comfortable thrift-store couches. It books great concerts indoors and out. It builds bars in crematoriums and throws keggers in old gymnasiums. But the homegrown brewpub chain does two critical things wrong: food and beer. Somehow McMenamins manages to hand-paint smirking rabbits and psychedelic moonmen on every joint of exposed plumbing but can’t grill a decent burger or brew a solid IPA.
Blumenauer’s bow tie: When Obama (or, as we’re calling him, JFK X) held his most recent rally, he was received like a sainted rock star from outer space. We threw our panties while sobbing with joy. Face it—the guy farts hope. And yet one of Oregon’s own congressmen—and head of the Oregon for Obama campaign—Rep. Earl Blumenauer may have singlehandedly killed Obama’s White House chances by wearing a bow tie. If you don’t see the political pitfall, you’re not thinking like a Fox News pundit. Put on your O’Reilly pants (the racist ones with adult-bookstore receipts in the pockets) and pay attention. Jeremiah Wright is Obama’s former pastor. He said rich white people run America and war is bad, which, though true, are also apparently racist and anti-American statements. Obama managed to deflect the taint of Rev. Wright with a truly heroic speech on America’s race relations. But Wright’s wrongs don’t end at the sound bites. Last year, the preacherman gave his church’s Trumpeter award to Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, a man whose credentials as a militant racist far outpace Wright’s own. Get ready now, we’re coming full circle: Farrakhan’s favored neckwear is, say it with me, the bow tie. A little creative editing, a dash of Hannity, a couple painkiller-infused Limbaugh follicles, stir well, and SHABAZZ! Obama is a terrorist. Do it for Barack: Change the neckwear, Earl.
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The ever-growing non-hetero acronym: LBGT…Q?...hmm…did we already say B?...is there a dollar sign in there somewhere? We’re not homophobic—we’re not even sure which letters homophobia applies to—but this acronym is out of hand. A good, memorable abbreviation should have four letters or fewer. How about just “Misc.”?
Grand Central Bowl: Bowling alleys are supposed to be seedy. The rental shoes are supposed to smell weird. You’re supposed to drink rotgut well drinks and eat Tater Tots that went straight from freezer to deep fat fryer. The owners are supposed to be lumpy, middle-aged men named Lenny with hacking coughs. But at Southeast’s new, swankified Grand Central Bowl, meatheads man velvet ropes, sushi shows up on the menu, bartenders muddle, and the crowd has that same desperately cool leather-jacket-and-$100-jeans look native to the Doug Fir. It’s uglier than Lenny ever could be.
Washington drivers on the Fremont Bridge: Anyone who regularly exits the Fremont Bridge to North Kerby Avenue during rush hour knows and despises these invaders from the north. They cruise innocently down the far-right exit-only lane, past the gridlock on their left that waits to merge onto I-5 North. Only pale blue Washington license plates hint at their sinister intent. Just as they reach the exit-ramp junction and you dare to hope they’re actually getting off, these vile Washingtonians slam on their brakes, flip on their turn signals and begin to force their way over a lane, pinning all the actually exiting drivers behind them. Sure, these drivers are mostly from Vancouver, which is probably punishment enough, but then again, why are they in such a hurry to get home?
Christmas at the Zoo: Seriously? Have you seen this place? Sitting on some of the most expensive retail real estate in Portland, between Burnside and Everett on Northwest 23rd Avenue, this store somehow stays in business year-round selling nothing but Christmas ornaments with animal themes. It’s still better than another Pottery Barn.
Crocs: Wake up, Portland. Grown men are wandering our streets in brightly colored rubber slippers, and everyone acts like it’s OK. Crocs look like some Birkenstocks knocked up a pair of ’80s ski boots. But if you want to putter around the house or garden in Crocs, fine. We’re not sure why you’d want to wear pastel toy clogs instead of, say, grown-up shoes, but that’s your business. However, please don’t leave your property. And for God’s sake do not go out to eat. Portland restaurants may be lax on the dress code, but if you’re eating dinner in a pair of periwinkle plastic slip-ons, it better be in a sanitarium cafeteria where the suicide watch confiscated your laces.
Wraps: The burrito was not created at random. Its sublime combination of flavor and texture is the result of centuries of epicurial evolution. Or perhaps intelligent design. Hippies, what did burritos ever do to you? Nothing, and yet you meddling burnouts, in an unholy alliance with carb Nazis, are adulterating these delicious gifts from Hay-Seuss Christo one “wrap” at a time. It’s Dios’ will that tortillas come in corn and flour. There’s no need to involve spinach and sun-dried tomatoes. And adding peanut sauce or Caesar dressing or hummus is outright sacrilege. Burritos are divine, delicately balanced life-sustainers, not excuses to roll up leftovers when all your forks are dirty.
Cycling caps: Biker gear began infiltrating Portland fashion with messenger bags, and to be fair, those seatbelt shoulder straps are actually pretty cool. And if an alarming number of men like to wear capri pants, well, different strokes. But when tiny-billed cycling caps become trendy, it’s time to take a stand. Did you just rob a Tee-Ball team, or were you worried we wouldn’t realize just how into your fixie you are?
Restaurant wait times: Once upon a time, only old people with long, purposeless days ate dinner before 6 pm. And for their trouble, they got early-bird discounts and plenty of time to make it home and fall asleep in front of the CBS Evening News. But in Portland, dinnertime for young and old is starting earlier and earlier as foodies compete for tables at reservation-shunning restaurants of the moment. Long known for crowded patios in weather anything short of a monsoon, Portland is increasingly famous for its cuisine. However, lining up under an icy shitdrizzle in the dead of winter (or, as we’re now calling it, late March) at 4:30 in the afternoon just to claim a table at hot spots like Apizza Scholls and Toro Bravo is just acting senile.
Cheater pints : Ever notice how your beer seems to run out too fast? That’s not just your alcoholism talking—bars all over Portland are shorting patrons who order “pints.” Instead of pouring the standard 16 ounces, pound-foolish pubs such as Lucky’s and hipster darling the Sandy Hut serve scaled-down glasses with thicker walls that hold just 14 ounces. To all but the veteran drunk, these cheater pints can be hard to spot without a regulation glass for comparison. So if you’re suspicious, order a tallboy and ask for a glass. If you fill your “pint” without completely draining the can, you’re in a den of cheap assholes. To understand just how cheap, let’s do the math: Even the most expensive microbrew kegs cost only about $120 wholesale, while a keg of PBR runs more like $65. A keg holds 124 pints, which means even top-shelf beer costs bars less than a dollar a pint, or about 6 cents an ounce. That drops to 3 cents an ounce for the cheap stuff. It’s not that cheater pint-serving bars think your goodwill isn’t worth a dime, they just don’t think it’s worth 12 cents.
Portland Beavers ticket prices: Seats start at $8 a pop and jump to $14 if you don’t want a sharp edge for your back support while you watch minor-league never-weres and the occasional prospect who’s in town just long enough to make it clear how mediocre the rest of the team is. Ticket prices are especially steep considering PGE Park never seems to get more than a quarter full, and the team isn’t even the most popular group of baseball-playing Beavers in Oregon. Meanwhile, in Seattle, Safeco’s center-field bleachers are only $7. Sure, Seattle is a drive, but the Mariners are, you know, a major-league team.
Portland Craigslist rental ads: As if Portland’s spiking rents weren’t bad enough, now ambitious local landlords, far gone on paint fumes and Portland real-estate hype, are spinning wild tales and passing them off as online rental ads. On Craigslist, Southeast 181st Avenue and Powell Boulevard is “Inner SE,” crumbling ’70s triplexes are “vintage flats” and any asbestos-sided shitbox with its own entrance is a “townhouse.” Charming, cozy and quaint = tiny; “central city” means somewhere in Multnomah County; and “minutes from downtown” means Canada. Not to mention that some unholy hack coined the adjective “Pearl-esque,” which gets applied to every fly-by-night excuse for a condo from Gresham to Woodburn. Though maybe “Pearl-esque” is an apt description for these far-flung housing developments—they are overhyped, overpriced and not really part of Portland.
The University of Oregon’s plans for the “Made in Oregon” sign: Portland wept when our three-story neon “White Stag” was slain in 1997, but we’ve grown used to, even fond of, the “Made in Oregon” sign that replaced it. Brand name or not, there’s a certain fittingness to those words reflecting off the Willamette. But now, for its new Portland campus, the University of Oregon has taken over the entire White Stag Block, and there are rumors afoot the school has plans for the sign perched atop it. This comes fresh off the university’s sports implosion. First came the Ducks football team’s midseason freefall from national championship hopefuls to the unranked half of the Paxil Consolation Bowl—or whatever podunk contest they wound up in. Then, last month, the Ducks’ basketball team’s first-round loss begged for the title of “Worst-Coached Team in College Basketball.” So what’s the sign going to say, “Sorry”? Or maybe, “You’re fired, Ernie Kent.” Hell, it’ll probably just be a giant Nike Swoosh. God help them if there’s no light-up nose come Christmas.
Using public schools as liberal credentials: This is a nod to all those rich white Dems on the inner east side who lord the diversity of their kids’ school over their westside cronies, as if those black and/or poor classmates existed solely to assuage white guilt. Slapping an Obama sticker on the Lexus hybrid does not bridge the racial divide, especially if your main interest in “diverse” public schools is how enlightened it makes you look.
Amen, Danny! I love this city, I do. But sometimes... OK, most of the time... its culture is so self-important and segregating that I wish it had an actual face that I could slap.
shut the eff up about your "hordes of Californians", I live in San Diego and I see a ton of Oregon and WA licence plates every week. I remember an article about 3 years back on transplants and CA wasn't where the peeps were coming from, it was from the midwest. Do you know how many people move from god knows where to live in my city? We welcome them.
You welcome them, because in your giant Southern California car-sprawl, no one notices, or knows their neighbors.
Whatever, dude. Stay the F in Cali. And call all your yuppie-ass buds who've moved up here to come home.
Oh yes! I remember how welcoming the San Diego folks have always been - like every year when you tell the "Zoners" (Arizonans) to go home!
That attitude is the reason you should GO HOME!!! Also, please take you bad driving, your over-consumptive lifestyles, and your beach hoarding back to where it belongs!
This article is great. Even as far back as 1996, I was complaining about Portland turning into a mini-San Francisco. I used to hit the downtown scene almost every night, but not any more. I only go downtown on a Sunday afternoon (free parking) and drink somewhat-cheap beer at the Silverado.
And I'm perfectly content in my $10 sneakers, my $10 jeans and my $10 hoodie - all bought at KMart.
Okay you "guys", calm down.;) Portland has both benefited and lost from the transplant boom. It's not all B&W. WW's comments about Thai food are right fucking on target. It has more to do with lack of authenticity than anything else. We have plenty of Asians, but the goofy named Thai restaurants all have the same fvcking menu and there's little distinguishing about the flavors. Dear Californian; your lovely state, for instance, has some great Thai and Vietnamese food. There's a Vietnamese restaurant in the little college town of Davis that is better than almost any one in PDX (not that ours are bad). Portland can do better than to pander to the lowest common denominator of what might be "acceptable" to our lily white tase buds.
No, it hasn't benefitted. End of story.
If the writer ever got out of Portland, he would realize that 95% of all Thai restaurants in the US have the same menu, the same stupid names, etc etc. We in Portland aren't all that special.
ok, got a little worked up; i used to live in PDX for a couple of years and loved it.
Excellent article. Couldnt agree more about Mcmenamins. For years I wondered if I was the only person who thought their beers and burgers really suck.
The problem I see with McMenamin's is their service. They have no relationship to their customers. Rather, the staff have a little clique going on with themselves. Customers are peripheral to their business. They need to look at Starbucks. If you want a "Cheers" type bar, forget most McMennemins. They have lost their old, warm style. The old hippies are gone as well as their history.
Tony- Agreed. Mcmenamins has morphed from a neighborhood bar to a chain restaurants. I always refer to Mcmenamins as the Mcdonalds of brewpubs. Crappy food, crappy service but at least its consistent!
With the medicore food and beer, you get a side of surly, inattentive service. Priceless.
This is long overdue criticism of McM.'s Thank you for finally telling it like it is. I detest these joints. I only go when forced because of family gathering. Someone please explain how they can screw up fries so horribly. Doesn't matter which location. Always soggy, greasy, nasty. All of their food is disgusting. And the staff! Rude, smug, lazy, act like they are doing you a friggin' favor. Boycott!
I never saw the problem with McMenamins. Okay, true, the only thing worth ordering is on the burger section of the menu... but the beer's not bad at all. What am I missing?
Not to mention that McMenanmins has steadily jacked up their prices over the years. Shitty beer, shitty service, but you can rent a room (sans bathroom) for $120 per night. No thanks, McMenamins brothers. Maybe you're now raping Oregonians because we've been overrun with Californian choads.
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!! Deschutes Brewery is opening up a brewpub in the Pearl!! Now we won't have to hang out at McMenamin's and drink their crappy beer!! We can hang out in Deschutes brewpub and drink excellent beer!!
We'll prepare the tar, feathers and well-deserved scorn, then.
I'm an escapee of Felony Flats, and even so, I can't wait to get back to Portland at the end of the month. I live in San Diego right now, and if you think there are too many fake ass ex-frat boys and metrosexuals downtown on the weekends, you should come down here and hang out. They're EVERYWHERE, and it's not on the weekends, it's every waking minute I spend in this filthy hole of a city. Portland may have it's faults and foul weather, but it's a paradise compared to Southern California. But wasn't the point of this article to keep Californians the hell out of Portland? I take it all back, Portland sucks, don't move there, you won't like it. Just keep driving north until you hit Seattle, I hear they give away free cake to Californians up there and it never rains.
that's FUNNY! even in Pacific beach the frat kids are too much!
The Thai food, downtown bar scene, and cycling cap rants are dead on. There is not a single bar between 405 and the river worth going to. Put on the blazer, t-shirt, and jeans combo, and pay cover charges for the dixie. Refer to it as a dive bar as you order three cans of beer for 18 dollars. I hate to say it, but I am pondering moving to east side.
FYI Pearl District wasn't a name chosen for marketing by developers. There is a real story as to how the name came to be and if people knew the story and who "Pearl" was may feel differently about it. Yet again the whiners and complainers get it wrong.
Bullshit.
Once again, if none of you dorks remember (or have even heard of) the Esquire Theater, Earthquake Ethel's, the Blue Mouse Theater, "Tough" Tony Borne, or what preceded "Montgomery Park" (and the significance of the big red sign) , please STFU and hold my coat while I piss on your "fixie"...
Earthquake Ethel's?
Now that's a name I hadn't heard in years.
Gotta mention Boss' BBQ on Alberta and Sandy Barr, both dead but not forgotten.
Cargo shorts being worn by courier drivers in the dead of winter: I know casual Friday seems to last M-F in this town, but I don't need to see some driver's hairy legs until Summertime, actually, not even then.
oh man, so true. shorts are for never.
How many on the staff of WW are from out of state? How many are white? What I'm sick of are the non-native Oregonians complaining like they're natives. Come to think of it I'm sick of that native Oregonians complaining too. Nobody wants change but you know what you can't stop it. So stop your whining.
But the crocs thing is right on. Uglier than Burkenstocks. And how about all you native Oregonians who can't drive in the rain. Or your drivers that use studded tires in town when you need them like 2 days a year. You tear up the streets and make the pot holes much worse than needed, and for what, 2 inches of snow? Now that's dumb.
And how about all those assholes who complain about complaining...er, um.
Hey bs, a little cranky and conflicted today? Like most places, there's good and bad. I complain about stick in the mud natives as well as clueless transplants. However, I love this state and this town and that's why we express these things, to make it better.
bs:
it ain't "the change" that's irksome, this place has been changing constantly over many generations. Rather, it is the fairly recent outbreak of utterly parasitic trend-hoppers that really brings on the ire.
not conflicted, just bitched enough to bitch about my bitching. What can I say, if you bitch enough you get to yourself.
BS, if you were a native Oregonian, you would have spelled Birkenstocks correctly. So, sit the f*ck down and shut up! (Ugliest goddamn shoes on the face of this earth, by the way!)
Ha ha! Stick in the mud natives. That pretty much sums me up.
The 14oz pounder is an abomination that has crept into most portland taverns.
However, now at 14ozs there are still some lazy bartenders that give us a 3/4 inch head. These creeps do not get my $1 tip on the first beer, nor do they eveer get a tip from me.
No worries here. The only reason i'm not packing back to Portland (besides the weather-induced need for a coffee and prozak cocktail) is the Portland-centric obsession hipsters have with their own town. half this stuff on this list is not exclusive to portland--its EVERYWHERE. portland, you're great. but you're not a frieking snowflake. if there's anything worse than a frat boy at kells its a hipster with a mouth or pen.
Of the many, many epithets one could apply to Mr. Smith (angry bastard, sociopath, raging maniac, etc.) "hipster" is nowhere near the top of the list. After all, a hipster is someone more annoying than yourself. Ethan is just more vitriolic. It's a fine distinction.
The worst thing about the Thai restaurants is how they serve all their dishes with chopsticks! Chopsticks are rarely used in Thailand, and never with noodles. Spoon and fork. But ignorant Americans demand the chopsticks because Asian food is Asian food, and apparently all requires the use of chopsticks!
I can eat salad rolls with chopsticks without dropping a single piece of lettuce on my plate. And I wear diapers.
So very true!! Especially McMins food and the %&%@#*& Washington drivers. I'm so glad someone has made notice. Take note when on the roads. They tie up our streets and don't know how to drive. They have become worse than the Californians. Keep them where they belong.They need to pay a toll to tie up our streets or stay where they belong.
I live in WA but work in OR and I pay the income tax to OR like you all do... so I have every right to mess up the roads and traffic of Portland if I want.
What a closed-minded attitude "Keep them where they belong".
I never could put my finger on why Crocs are so..'not right'. This guy nailed it. Sanitarium wear! Love it.
And wraps. Gluey and taste of raw flour. Gag.
Every six months or so I suffer culinary amnesia and decide to give McMen food another try. I then spend the next 10 hours regretting it. Change your oil.. change your cooks.. change your frickin' menu guys!! (Honestly.. the McMenamin brothers and their families can't possibly ever actually eat there)
Heh, culinary amnesia. That's an excellent term and it's happened to me numerous times.
re the Craigslist doublespeak, you forgot the houses for sale section, wherein any hundred year old house is a "Victorian," and anything with a porch is a "Craftsman."
This is absolutely hilarious. The "Crocs" section had me crying. Right the EEEEEF on!!
Um, it's not "LBGT", it is LGBT.
Hey I am really glad that someone said something about McMenamins. The food part does not bother me that bad.....it is the service. I would rather eat crappy food at a fair price and have good service then hit or miss crappy food with lousy service. If McMenamins took half the amount of energy in managing their staff (the way too cool for school crowd)as they do in detailing their establishments the place would be 10x's better.
I always applauded McMenamins for hiring the unemployable.....but the last few times I have been there it was so awful I may never go back.
I agree again. I hope the McMen bros read this and do something. I think the beer is fine, but the service sucks. The staff, with minor exception, are self absorbed. Bar culture in Portland has gone south. One has to go to some C&W dive on the east side to get any caring service.
I was a Mcmens Hillsdale regular from 89 to 99. Then it got to be too corporate. Unhappy workers (bad service) poor value for the dollar. I drive by every day and only will go in a pinch.
A $6.00 burger at Carl's Jr is better than McMen's.
Wake up McMen's. People are catching on to your abominable staff and crappy chow. Oh, and the decor? Enough with the 'celestial', hippy-dippy themes. It's tired.
Maybe if you weren't such an asshole the service would have been better.
For a town full of servers, (myself included at one time) the service is horrible at most hip eateries and cafes.
And what about all those glassy-eyed laptop zombies who crowd the coffee joints? I realize every city has 'em, but Portland's are the freakiest. Portland also has the most pathetic-looking derelicts on the west coast.
One word: hipsters.
Another word: non-natives.
Two more: hypocritical alt-weeklies.
Another pair: anonymous haters. (c'est moi)
And finally: you.
(apologies to TIME)
are you serious??
Who are you to tell people where to live, Hater.
How about:
Americans out of America
PS: Hipsters ARE Yuppies, only with less money. They, too, are conformist trend-suckers.
While most of the article is humorous, I have to say I hate a journalist who hates a beard. Twice you referenced beards in a negative light. More on this at beardrevue.com.
Kudos for leading off with the 2nd most obnoxious local morning personality, 1st being Drew Carney. Ever notice as he gets wound up, Joe V's (Vomit?) voice reaches the piercing upper registers reserved only for chalkboard fingernail scraping and little girl's shrieks?
Also, right on about McManyofthems, they can't brew a beer that doesn't taste like someone forgot to rinse the cleaner out of the lines.
Thanks for mentioning at the top of your list: On the Go with Joe. Somebody get him a job advertising used cars or mattresses and off of KPTV's otherwise decent morning news show.
Speaking of mattress commercials... do other cities have a plague of them like we do? I actually miss Scott Thomason.
Or he could take over when the car stereo guy loses his voice.....
Joe V is awesome, and a nice guy in person. Leave him alone haters.
so i was recently talking to someone on an online thread about what it's like living in portland, and i pointed out that what little diversity there is in this city, it's racially segregated. my observation is that the black community resides in the NE and scattered about in old town/chinatown, the white people dominate downtown, pearl district & gresham (and the KKK-wannabes in gresham), the middle eastern people live in tigard, and the asians are mostly in beaverton and hillsboro. some people disagreed with me, but i've lived here my whole life and this is what i see. i'd like to hear everyone else's opinions on this.
You're fairly accurate except that there are many asians on the east side, and the new "Chinatown" resides on or about NE 82nd Avenue. Parkrose is among the most ethnically and racially diverse areas of Portland, including a Russian community. The burbs, not only Gresham, have remnants of the old white supremecist thinking. I'm glad they left Dodge. Portland has been a mostly white, racially segregated city for some time, but it has been getting more diverse. One can argue that almost every major city has a form of segregation. When the mix goes home after work, they live in mostly segregated neighborhoods.
I worked in Gresham and saw a lot more Hispanics and middle-aged to senior citizens than anything. Huge Hispanic population.
Dear Portlanders,
You come off as totally fucking insecure about your city. Hating on California and suburbs is pretty damn small. Yes suburbs are horrible and soulless, but do you have to define your whole damn identity around being cooler than people from Tigard? Congrats, you live in a city: hot shit! You all come off as horribly provincial with all of your outsider (i.e., California) hating. Maybe this attitude might have something to do with why PDX stays lily white.
Also, quit bitching about people wearing $100 jeans. Have you looked at the average Portlander lately? There's a word for it: frumpy. Everyone loves to complain about hipsters, but at least they care about their appearance and have a sense of style.
Note to Margo: the PDX of old you long for had shit for restaurants to eat at, a depressed timber economy, lots of heroin addicts everywhere, and little culture to speak of. Oh for the days of old! If you're seeking a city with fewer yuppies, check out Boise.
Nice rant! Gotta love the "days of old" desire put into perspective. I miss heroin addicts, the vomit in the street, passed out in the door ways. And "frumpy" was so in, god do I miss that trend and its re-emergence as "grunge".
Ahhh those were the days...
If hating Californians is provincial then huzzah to being provincial. I also hate Washingtonians and their moron drivers. I don't know if I'd say the average Portlander is frumpy. The older people certainly are.
"Insecure?" Not a bit. Ready to defend what we love from those who would ruin it? Damn straight.
If it's a choice between that and Portland becoming another chainstore-infested, status-conscious, condo-congested American yuppietown, then I'm all for it.
....and on that note, everyone I meet seems to be from either the MidWest or the East Coast... so where are all these "Californians who are ruining our city" to be found?
I'm with you, ex pdx! God, what I wouldn't give for a Neiman Marcus!!
I have to ask. What is wrong with being a mainly white city? In order to be cool do we need a bunch of signs in Spanish and more rap radio stations? People go where there are like minded people, it is human nature. This “white guilt” bullshit annoys me. I do not feel guilty being white in the slightest. I would not mind some more asians, but really, why are we so up in arms about being primarily white?
Agreed that PDX appears quite racially segregated from street level. But the 2000 Census showed otherwise: Portland is among the least-segregated cities in the US. The minority population is quite small (giving the impression of white dominance downtown), but statistically quite well integrated.
Your description of rednecks on the Sandy is as inaccurate as it is stupid.
Most of the folks that have died in recent years have been hispanics.
Apparently, the Sandy is a bit more cold and swifter then the Rio Grande.
But don't let that get in the way of your usual, tired, fucking snobbery towards East Co.
Go tell it like it is East Co. Resident!!! We get no respect. Much of the east side ROCKS!
Was the comment about the Rio Grande really called for? You are upset about this article's depiction of Sandy residence, and you do the same by stereotyping all Latinos to illegal swimmers. common now, think about what you write.
I totally agree about East County. I lived in inner SE (39th & Gladstone) for four years, surrounded by tweekers.
Now, I find myself living in Fairview, in a more racially diverse apartment complex than my former neighborhood.
That, combined with the five minute bike ride to the beautiful Sandy River, I couldn't be happier.
. . . or for that matter, you don't deserve to beg on the corner in your gortex if you didn't participate in the First (and only) Annual Hobo Parade . . . as seen on "Real People". circa1980 ( go villa gorillas! )
Kvetch This : Fixies.
Who ever had the novel idea that riding a bike that has one gear, no brakes and no handlebars is a hip? Also, what is with the top bar pad? I think I used to have one of those on my pink Huffy when I was five. So spare me from your dissaproving looks when I ride by on my multii-geared road bike, all you fixie riders, I laugh at you.
My mom rides a derailleur!
"It’s our food, our art, our music, our politics and our sustainability that draw praise and busloads of gawking yokels to this little city."
It doesn't get much more xenophobic, solipsistic, or arrogat than that.
Writer and many responders need to come way down off the high horse. Without realize that without a LOT of those "out-of-staters" Portland wouldn't have a lot of its best places to eat, a lot of its most famous "resident" bands and artists, or a lot of other things that make it a great place to live.
Sure, I get he's trying to be provative in the hopes of...
...Dammit. I actually responded.
Thank you Chris,
Understood that everybody came from somewhere else- whether it was an ice bridge across the Bering Strait, or the Oregon Trail circa 1843. With that in mind, things didn't really get off the ground until you showed up. I mean, no place to eat or drink, let alone sit around and pose. Don't know if we coulda pulled it off without ya'.
Ethan Smith claims, "Every summer, some drunken redneck drowns in the Sandy River, and local hand-wringers blame it on a lack of lifeguards."
Since the inception over seven years ago of the River Rescue Program , a partnership of the Troutdale Booster Club and American Medical Response(AMR), there have been zero drownings in the Sandy River near Troutdale's Glen Otto Park.
The program works in partnership with the Troutdale police department to assure safety to the public. AMR trains, operates, and manages this USLA (United States Lifeguarding Association) Advanced Agency Accredited program; the only nationally certified program in Oregon. In September of 2000, the
program was awarded an Oregon State EMS Unit Citation for its work and success.
We didn't "wring our hands" in Troutdale. We stopped the drownings.
-Robert Canfield
Troutdale City Councilor
(disclaimer-my opinion only and not necessarily the opinion of the Troutdale City Council)
The funniest thing about reading the article online is how upset people get over someone's hilarious opinions written to amuse, not change the world. Take a deep breath, step away from the keyboard, and go get a beer!
just not at a Mcmennamins.
You missed the biggest one: use of the acronym DIY. Everything in this effin city is DIY. Art gallery? DIY! Restaurant? DIY! Theater? DIY! Taking a dump? DIY of course!
Dump In Your :-O
My 2 cents again. Good point Breanna - let's all go out for a beer! GawD: Yep, these acronyms are getting out of hand, but there's little hope for changing that. :( Regarding natives vs transplants' can we finally get past this? As I said before, there are always plusses and negatives to rapid growth. Natives: Some transplants have made this state a better place Re; SOLV and east coaster McGowen, among other examples. Transplants: If you move here, respect the place, don't trash it and don't make it into an image of where you left. We need a new definition of native. As a transplant over 18 years ago, I have spent more time here than someone technically a native by being born here 15 years ago. It's all relative. I became "Oregon-ized" right away, learning the history and culture by working with and spending time with locals, without injecting bias from my east coast background. Both groups have made this place awesome. Both need to get over themselves. However, the state does need to do something about the sorry state of public education, funding for the arts and it's image. I am also tired of these chamber of commerce style ads in glossy mags promoting Oregon. Get over the need to impress the rest of the world, especially considering the beauty we are endowed with has been slowly frittered away.
I have years of work experience as a waitress and have never had a bit of interest from McMen's after applying 2x. After eating there I must admit it is kind of chaotic and the service was lousy.
Congrats on a really funny article! It was dead on and I really enjoyed it.
Thank you for saying McMenamins beer is piss poor (OK, less the "poor" part). But you've got to realize these folks are in the real estate business, not the restaurant business. Their business model is to amass real estate in prime locations, and the restaurants are there to service the debt. When the restaurants falter, watch the mixed-use condos go up where the Bagdad once stood.
OK, and now for my own Portland gripe: White people braying for more "diversity". The problem with these clowns is that they just rolled in from some place else and they are dismayed because no black chick is pouring their white ass beer at Amnesia. They don't get that underneath the yuppie glitter and the hipster posturing, Portland is at its core a white-trash town. I lived in Hawthorne back when rusting pickup trucks stood on cinder blocks on every block and major appliances proudly stood on Astroturf-covered porches. No Doshas or Priuses or $3 Ben & Jerry kid cones back then. The oh so politically correct Tibetan store and its serf-made tchatchkas would have been met with a laugh and zero business. In some ways I miss that Hawthorne, in other ways it's hard to argue that it has gotten better.
You want to see diversity, get your ass out of Alberta "Arts District" and go check out the outer eastside sometime. If that's not enough diversity for you, many cities in America have got enough to fulfill your longing, and then some, until eventually you move to some lily-white suburb and join the Republican party or the KKK like the little proto-racist assholes you really are so get the fuck out of here already.
naz def - spot on. There's plenty of diversity on the outer east side, Alberta district, Concordia, anywhere east of 82nd Avenue in NE Portland. We may not be as pretty as downtown or other neighborhoods as we are Portland's unwanted stepchild, but we are diverse. Next mayor of Portland - come visit us sometime! ;)
Enough of this " Gentrification " of the North and Inner NE " hoods ". We never had this much of a crime problem here in East County until that happened. This pushed these undesireable " individuals" out this way...
My bitch: People who refuse to take their right of way at four way, or worse yet five or six way, stops!! If you get there first, don’t sit at the intersection like a jack ass waiting for your balls to descend. Embrace that right of way and proceed through the intersection. Also, can’t stand people who insist on taking their bikes on MAX. Either ride the train like the rest of us, ride your bike, or drive your car. Taking your bike on the train, especially during rush hour, is too much. I’m sure some people have a good reason for doing this (like have no car and they live miles from the nearest bus/MAX stop) but most of them are just taking up too much space. Can’t stand the ass holes who pass gas on the MAX either!!! Swallow until you get of the train for Christ’s sake! This one is probably just my anti social personality coming out but I also get pissed off at all the smiling happy people at New Seasons. The store is great (too expensive for most occasions though) but come on. Its just a store, you are not supposed to enjoy the shopping experience that much.
Seacrest...out
"tofu-loving white people"? That IS Portland! This is the whitest city I know and it's getting whiter every day. What's the demographics of Willy Week readership? How many non-whites work for WWeek? I KVETCH the condescension this town oozes. It's all cultures and sub-cultures and sadly people can't be an 'us' without a 'them'. OR maybe we can stop hating because we're all posing in some way or another. Just because you used to drink $3 pitchers of Pabst at the Matador back in the day doesn't make you original, it just means you've seen some things. But you've benefitted from the changes as well.