Dear Suey,
Over two years ago, I experimented with a phone chat line.
I went there seeking no-strings companionship in a tumultuous
time in my life and ended up finding a "phone friend" whom
I spoke with on a fairly regular basis. (We'll call him Eric.)
Although we found some congruences in our professional and
social lives, the focus of our conversations was mostly sexual.
Basically, this man used me as a sounding board for what he
portrayed as his extravagantly kinky, promiscuous and risky
sexual exploits. Eric described himself as a single, upper-middle-class,
good-looking yuppie who worked hard, played hard and liked
the company of beautiful and highly sexual women...and men.
I listened intently, acting as a confidant and, at times,
a participant. I grew to look forward to his next call,
although I never knew when I would hear from him, as I knew
no pertinent info about him other than his first name.
Eric rarely mentioned the same partner for more than a
couple of months. He got around, quickly. Late last year,
however, I noticed that he had been mentioning a female's
name (we'll call her Allison) with marked consistency.
Now, to get to the point...Eric and I sometimes played
the "meeting by chance" game: We would let each other know
the general vicinity of our socializing on a given evening.
We both knew that, after over a year of talking, we would
recognize each by our voices. One evening, Eric told me
about a great little bar that he thought I would enjoy.
In the spirit of "meeting by chance," I told him I'd check
it out with a girlfriend of mine, never imagining that we
would actually meet.
I arrived at the bar, friend in tow, and excused myself
to the phone after ordering my drink. As I was checking
my voicemail, in walked one of my co-workers, Allison, accompanied
by her fiancée (whom I had never met), Eric. She
and I chatted for a moment, and the irony registered only
as Eric walked by whispering, "It's me."
I spent the next couple of weeks seeing Allison on a daily
basis, trying my damnedest not to act "weird" as we made
small talk about work and her upcoming wedding. I knew she
was clueless and I agonized over what to do. I finally called
Eric to discuss this mess with him. He was very cordial,
saying that he would have contacted me but he was in shock
from the meeting and scared of my reaction. He assured me
that all of his stories were only fantasies that he concocted
as a means of releasing pent-up sexual energy. He said that
he was in therapy and since our meeting he'd had an epiphany
about how important Allison is to him, how he would never
want to jeopardize their relationship. Although I found
his excuses a bit hard to swallow, I was somewhat relieved
to hear them. I had excused myself from our interaction
and maybe he had been scared onto the straight and narrow,
right?
About a month ago, I called the same chat line in a fit
of boredom. Eric was there. Less than a week before his
wedding. Now I wonder if I should have told Allison. If
it were me, I would want to know, whether or not it was
all talk. But I don't know Allison very well (and have little
tangible proof of my accusations), and I'm also worried
about possible professional repercussions, since we do work
together.
Help, Suey!!!
--Agonizing on the East Side
Dear Agonizing,
While waiting for a wedding and soon-to-be marriage to disintegrate
into tiny little shards of broken dreams and abject betrayal,
it can be difficult to keep your mouth shut. However, that's
the best you can do, given your abject circumstances. First
of all, you don't know why Eric was using the chatlines
again. Maybe he called in for one last fling or for his
bachelor party, maybe he was saying goodbye to old friends.
Maybe Allison suspects more than she's letting on to her
professional acquaintances, or maybe she has her own reasons
for ignoring his gargantuan phone bills. Maybe the moon
is made of delicious cheese and maybe Santa has finally
lost enough weight to fit through my rangetop ventilation
duct. Maybe...or maybe not.
Perhaps it stretches plausibility to do so, but give them
the benefit of the doubt. In any case, it's not your business
and nobody has asked your opinion. Sadly, you understand
more about their relationship than either would care for
you to know. But at the same time, you don't know either
of them at all, not the way friends and family would. By
breaking off communications with Eric, you've already done
what you can to save their marriage.
If, in the future, you happen to meet Eric on the chatlines
again, explain that you don't like covering for him and
tell him to get off the phone. And if, one day, Allison
should appear in your cubicle with bloodshot eyes to confess
her misery, then do your best to come clean. Tell her you're
sorry for her pain, that you met Eric before they started
seeing each other, and that you wanted to believe it when
he said he'd change for her.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published January 5,
1999
|
