Dear Suey,
I think I'm addicted to sex. I'm a 25-year-old female,
I've lost count of how many men I've slept with, somewhere
around 70 or 80. I watch pornos and masturbate almost everyday.
This year I met a man who likes sex just as much, if not more
than I do. We have sex at least once a day and we go to strip
clubs frequently. I have consented to threesomes with him
and some of our couple friends, but none of those encounters
got very far. And always these encounters involve sex-enhancing
drugs. I thought I was being open sexually instead of carrying
around the normal baggage that "sex is shameful and should
only be performed monogamously." My girlfriends don't trust
me around their boyfriends anymore, and I may have lost two
of my closest friends over this. I have also lost my job.
I feel as if I may have a serious problem. What I should do?
--Rock Bottom
Dear Rock,
In certain decades, women who could tally up 70-plus lovers
were idolized by their less adventuresome sisters; they
were adored for their free-flowing, pillow-frizzed hair
and the havoc they caused in public parks and camping vans.
They inspired fear, reverence and envy; they learned to
navigate their own destinies as they negotiated the paisley
path between hedonism and beer bottles, true self-expression
and velvet paintings of Joni Mitchell. These were women
of intellect, discernment and considerable personal magnetism.
It's not so easy these days. Nowadays, a sex-crazed riotgrrl
gets respect only if she publishes a 'zine, wins a major
book deal and converts her sexual experiences through art
into cold, hard cash. Don't get rattled by this change in
attitudes; decide for yourself if the job (and friends)
you lost were really worth keeping or not.
Still, there are real risks associated with the lifestyle
you've chosen; burnout is at the top of the list. If you
find yourself spending too much of your time chasing "new"
experiences that seem an awful lot like the old ones, if
you roll out of bed every morning feeling like a Madonna
on tour before the yoga workouts, then take a break from
your usual routine.
At first, you'll probably be amazed at how bored you are
without the constant sex. Stay with the boredom, find a
support group, visit a counselor if that helps. Work on
your resume, sign up for a basket weaving class, make a
study of Jacobean drama. After a few months of mind-numbing
doldrums and nothing-going-on-in-your-life, you might feel
an unexpected twinge. Perhaps you'll notice a weirdly vivid
daffodil sprouting in your lawn, or maybe you'll feel an
indescribable urge to rent Harold and Maude from
the video store or call an old friend from college; something
will happen that truly surprises you. Take note of the occasion:
This is your interest in life returning again.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
My boyfriend of six months said that his Halloween costume
would be a "big surprise." When he picked me up, he was
dressed as a woman, complete with a stylish wig and perfect
makeup. He looked quite convincing, and at the party a lot
of people clearly had no idea he was a guy. He even walked
and gestured like a woman.
When I pressed him that he must have had help with his
"costume," he confessed that he was a long-time crossdresser
and that he had done it all himself. Later, he showed me
his secret closet full of women's clothes, and he told me
he often goes out in public as a woman.
Up until this, I thought he might really be the right man
for me. He is not gay, but I am very unsettled about the
idea of being with a man who spends part of his time as
a woman.
--Confused by Gender
Dear Confused,
When a loved one "surprises" us with a secret life, whether
it's a deep-seated desire to build a rocketship and live
on the moon or to recreate episodes of The Real World
in the basement, we are understandably upset.
But if you are determined to give the relationship a chance,
take time also to reacquaint yourself with the (slightly)
new person in your life. Just what does cross-dressing mean
to him? Does he intend to abandon his male persona altogether?
How involved does he want you to be? Allow yourself to explore
your own reactions as well. Could his courage in exploring
his most embarrassing ambitions inspire you to do the same?
Gender is a loaded social issue, thick with prejudice,
hysteria and the usual truckload of misinformation. But
in a lot of ways, the problems you'll encounter will be
a form of Green Acres redux: You'll go through much
of the same angst experienced by city gals who discover
their investment-banking spouses have just signed up with
the simple living movement. Of course, in some ultimate
sense, our partners are allowed to explore their interests,
no matter how arcane. But in an equally real sense, you're
not required to cultivate those same interests unless you
find them appealing too.
Give yourself a chance to find out what's true for you.
If it's difficult to talk to your friends and family (they
may be open-minded, but most people don't have firsthand
experience with a transgendered partner), get in touch with
SPICE,
an organization for spouses and significant others; or contact
the Couples'
Network. For local support groups, check out It's
Time Oregon and PFLAG Portland (503-232-7676). And if
you're looking for supplemental material, try My Gender
Workbook by Kate Bornstein or, for a historical perspective,
Ed Wood's Glen or Glenda. Good luck, have fun, stay
poised. No matter what becomes of the relationship, this
is your chance to experiment too.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published January 12,
1999
|
