Dear Suey,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years
and have been living together for a little over a year. We
have a great relationship most times, and a very, very active
sex life (three times a day isn't unusual for us). I love
him very much and I know he loves me.
But...he has expressed to me in the past, and more and
more frequently it seems, that he would very much enjoy
a sexual rendezvous with another woman and me. Last night
we were out shooting pool when he sighed with desperation
and said, "We have got to find a woman to have sex with
us." This wigs me out. I am the epitome of the heterosexual
woman and he knows it. A situation like the one he envisions
would ruin me--and our relationship. If I were single, I
could be interested in a run-in with two guys, but never
a woman. I am a monogamous creature, and witnessing him
with another woman is my worst nightmare.
I have told him all of this; we have discussed it extensively.
He apologized for last night's comment and says he will
never mention it again. But I know he will be thinking about
it. On the one hand, I hate to let him down. I wish I could
help him fulfill this fantasy. On the other hand, I resent
him for wanting anyone but me, even if I am included. It
has been on my mind constantly and I don't know how to deal
with it. I need your advice, Suey.
--Sincerely, Me
Dear Me,
If you needed proof that your man is determined to keep
you well-supplied with sex and happiness for as long as
you want it, then this is it. The two-gals-one-guy fantasy
means everything to some; to give it up is an act of heroic
compassion and realism. But don't take it the wrong way,
it's not what you think.
In particular, I suspect his fantasy has very little to
do with your fears of emotional ruin. By pulling double
duty, he humbly hopes to achieve spiritual greatness, to
prove his love-giving prowess, his magnanimity, his immense
generosity as a lover to one and all. In his mind's eye,
he sees the darling of his life (that's you), sated and
beautiful, lying mussily across the couch among the jumbled
throw pillows. And just beyond, on the ottoman, a babe of
unknown origin is in a similarly contented state, sighing
with happy memories.
To him, it must seem a gorgeous sight of a job well done.
It symbolizes his sexual vigor, but even more so, his ability
to please. But here lies the crux of the matter: For it
to make sense as a fantasy, everyone should actually feel
pleased. It doesn't work if you end up in tears.
I suspect your fella has decided to satisfy his need to
provide for others by giving up on the crowd and focusing
on you. If you'd like a second opinion, ask him; find out
what his fantasy means to him, and what he's getting in
return for letting it go. Even simpler: Tell him how much
you appreciate what he's doing for you. Let him know he's
still the man.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I am a 19-year-old guy, and I have just met this wonderful
girl. She is a few years older than me and she has had a
bit more experience than me at sex. As a matter of fact,
I'm a virgin. I am ready to give up my innocence for her;
I think she's worth it. But I am worried about making her
orgasm. I want this to be the best sex she will ever have.
Can you please give me some hints on what makes a woman
quiver? I am willing to do anything. All I want is
to please her. So any little tricks would be greatly appreciated.
--Young and in Love
Dear YaiL,
Do you mean "quiver-ha ha" or "quiver-strange, i.e., with
fearfully high expectations that are sure to wreak havoc
on the next five dates, not to mention the sex"? If you're
trying to impress her, I heartily recommend you rely on
your best jokes and sense of common humanity, rather than
any untested coital skills. Besides, if she has even the
slightest hint of experience (as you claim), then she already
knows the first time is not the best. Sex requires meaningful
context. Until you've had your first fight, run-in with
her parents, late-night encounter at the Roxie and/or poster-paint
incident, the preliminary acts of monkey-love will certainly
feel hot and bothered but also oddly disembodied, as if
you're making love with space-suits on from opposite points
in the galaxy. That's just the way things go.
I suppose you might discount this kind of advice as the
ravings of a cranky older woman; perhaps you were looking
for some other kind of guidance. If that's the case, I recommend
the following strategies:
1) Tell her you're willing to let her set the pace, and
really mean it.
2) Clean up your apartment (you don't have to go overboard,
but don't leave computer books under her pillow either).
3) Stay open to all possibilities and configurations (she'll
let you know what they are).
Actually, the last one should get you by. Sex is much stranger
and sexier than anyone first imagines, so keep your eyes
open. Take notes, then send a copy to me. Good luck.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's Desperate Hunky
Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published February 16,
2000
|
