Dear Suey,
I'm a 34-year-old, attractive female, and lately I've been
encountering a snowballing number of people who say to me
(on learning that I'm not and never have been married) a
number of things that all narrow down to "why?" They're
delivered with a tone of voice that implies "What's the
matter with you?" or, worse, a pitying look. I used to be
able to brush it off with a laughing "I guess I'm just too
picky." Lately it's been really pushing my buttons, for
a variety of reasons, the least noble of which is that I
secretly have the same question (and judgment) regarding
men "of a certain age" who have never married. So, can you
help me in my efforts to resist this societal pressure?
Can you suggest some witty rejoinder that--hopefully subtly--lets
the asker know that the question is rudely along the lines
of asking a woman with many children, "Ya know what causes
that, don'tcha?"
--Looking Right and Left
Dear LR,
Keep in mind that people only ask questions when the answer
isn't obvious. If you suffered from a problem personality,
dressed in a habit or hair shirt, carried an anti-marriage
placard to work, or exhibited other signs of ineligibility,
your parents and friends wouldn't bother to ask why you're
still single--they would know. Try to view the question
as a merit badge of your partnership potential and personal
attractiveness.
Of course, not everyone means exactly the
same thing by the question. For example, your mom is asking
why you are depriving her of grandchildren and the company
of younger men, whereas your Aunt Dea is secretly wondering
what it would be like to trade in Uncle Bill. You'll want
to adjust your answers accordingly. That said, most people
are just looking to gab.
Here's a cheat sheet to help you provide entertaining
excuses to the masses while preserving your self-esteem:
Coy: "Marriage scares me. I've heard
so many horror stories. How has yours been?"
Romantic: "My sexual equal is currently
on assignment in Borneo. It's kind of a relief, because
when we're together, all we do is fuck and fuck and fuck.
Know what I mean?"
Sincere: "I figure I'll know him when
I meet him."
Honest: "I have no idea where he is.
Do you?"
Philosophical: "I've appreciated the
time to know myself better, to travel, to eat Cheetos for
dinner when I want to. It's not easy to give up the Cheetos."
Political: "The truth is, my life has
never felt incomplete. If I had a life partner, I'd just
have to do more laundry."
Practical: "Maybe I'll feel differently
about marriage when I meet someone I want to marry."
Direct: "None of your business."
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I'm dating again and using the personals. I've met a few
interesting prospects, but also the occasional dud. Yes,
I'm judging on looks alone, but some dates are going nowhere,
and I know that as soon as they walk through the doors.
So what's the proper etiquette? Do I sit through a four-course
meal, perform the whole song and dance, only to confess
at the end that I was never really interested? Who has that
kind of time to waste? And by the way, who pays?
--No Games
Dear NG,
The easiest way to avoid a four-course meal is to arrange
a first meeting at a coffee shop (or, if that's too commonplace,
at a wine bar, off-track betting booth or drive-through
car wash). If you absolutely can't bear to wait until the
end of the meeting to announce your lack of interest, then
go ahead and mention it at the beginning. Keep in mind,
however, that the newly rejected deserve to be given free
drinks and to make irrational demands on other people's
attention; do offer to hang around, as the rejectee so pleases.
This is all basic dating know-how: If you
don't have time for such modest courtesies, then maybe you
don't have time for dating. And by the way, unless other
arrangements are made beforehand, the person who asks for
the date should expect to pay for it--call yourself lucky
to go Dutch.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still tantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published February 23,
2000
|
