dinner palace
of love
Dear Suey,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost three
years now. At first, sex was fulfilling and frequent. We
both participated equally. Now I am expected to perform
oral sex whenever he asks, and he never reciprocates; then
we have intercourse for two minutes. Our sex life has become
routine.
He seems to believe that men are not required
to reciprocate; that male genitals are more enticing and
impressive than a woman's; that a woman is lucky to be able
to pleasure him. While I agree, why does he not see the
female body with equal rapture and interest? He never touches
me "down there," and I don't want to ask. I would like to
know if, in your opinion, it's normal for sexual relationships
to fall into unfair or unfulfilling patterns, and if I'm
stuck with this, unless I look elsewhere. Is my boyfriend
possibly gay and obsessed with the male body?
--Already an Old Housewife at 23
Dear Housewife,
While sexual boredom is common in long-term relationships,
it's hardly the desired effect. I wonder if he knows how
you feel. Did you ever tell him?
There are non-naggy, non-coercive, non-pleasure-robbing
ways to tell a lover you'd like to try something different.
Asking for what you want (and getting it) can even be kinda
sexy. Next time you're under the sheets together, whisper
the sexual secrets of your dream lover in his ear; riff
on a romantic little lesbian tryst and don't skimp on technical
details.
If this doesn't inspire him to grab your ass,
then do it yourself in the way you know best. Let him watch
you enjoy your own body, and he might get the hint.
If this doesn't sound like the most attractive
idea since French toast to you, then perhaps it's because
you expect sexual rejection. But has your guy actually said
that peewees are more impressive than woohoos, or do you
only assume this from various "vibes" you're getting? Get
clarification on such matters directly from him, but do
let him answer the question--don't presume you know what
he's thinking.
Communication, self-empowerment, Catherine
Deneuve, sex in bathrooms--these are the usual prescriptions
against sexual ennui. They can be quite effective when both
parties are involved, yet they require significant commitment.
Perhaps it's presumptuous of me, but I wonder if you have
any good reasons to keep the current relationship (you don't
mention them in your letter), so let's also remember that
a brand-new lover can also work wonders on the sex life.
If you've outgrown the old relationship, if it's time for
a new guy, then move on. Ultimately, you're responsible
for getting what you want.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
Please help me get out of the dog house. My girlfriend made
big plans for Valentine's Day, but I had to cancel all of
them when my company decided to keep me out of town on business
for a few extra days. How can I make it up to her? She says
we'll talk when I get back; knowing her, we'll be talking
about my death sentence. She accuses me of not having a
romantic bone in my body (what is this "romance," anyway?);
I need to come up with a defense, and fast. But what? Sexy
lingerie? Fancy chocolates? Stuffed animals? Does this shit
really work?
--Clueless in Seattle
Dear Clueless,
The Whitman Sampler: Too little, too late? Probably so.
Before you buy, think carefully: Does this
gift say "I love you"? Or does it say the giver is a cheap
sexist bastard who believes he can pass off grotesque consumerist
fetishes of drugstore "romance" as genuine articles of affection,
and thereby buy back the true love and understanding he
so glibly abandoned last week to chase after his craven
career goals? If the latter is true (and she's not into
cheap bastards), then leave the supersaver bottle of Parfum
de Odor on the rack and keep looking.
Your gal needs to know you're thinking about
her, that you see to the core of who she is, that you can
spot her from across a crowded room, that you would jump
the electric third rail just to be with her. Let these considerations
guide you. If you typically send e-mail, send postcards
instead; call her at work just to say hi. If she's a photographer,
buy frames and add your own secret messages behind the glass;
if she's a conceptualist, offer her a psychic flower. Scam
ideas from her favorite movies, or stuff your day calendar
full of Post-its, one for every time you think of her, then
hand them to her in a sticky wad.
Yes, romance is all very syrupy, and under
no circumstances should you let your kid sister find out
what you're up to. But in the long run, your fear of getting
caught will only heighten the thrill of sharing secrets
with your conspirator in love. Let her know you're always
thinking of Valentine's Day, and see where that gets you.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still tantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published March 1,
2000
|
