Dear Suey, My new girlfriend thinks I'm a pig because
I've asked her to shave the ol' garden. The bottom line
you ask? I love oral sex. Performing this on a woman is
one of the few real pleasures in life. Everyone has his
or her own thing, and this is mine. My only request is that
she pick the weeds so the garden is fresh--so to speak.
She refuses. This is a real knot in the relationship. I
told her I'd do the same if she'd like.
--Furry Tongue
Dear Furry, Although he may express a preference,
a gentleman should never tell a lady how to wear her hair.
As any fashion rag will tell you, hair is identity; it expresses
her politics, her cultural affiliations, her ambitions and
values.
Remember that in the Women's Locker Room of Life (i.e.,
in the women's locker room), her pubic coif will draw the
same kind of scrutiny and consequent freeform interpretations
that the top of her head would. Maybe she's just not the
kind of girl who shaves except in bikini season. Maybe hairlessness
looks girly or affected to her.
Remember also that, like puppies on Christmas Day, Bermuda
shaves require significant upkeep. Razor stubble, little
red bumps, tiny bits of tissue on the blade--these are the
emblems of manhood that many women are understandably reluctant
to take up. Women spend enough time acquiring the manual
skills to apply mascara without jabbing a stick in their
eye; must they also endure the agonies of itchy sex?
Most of us have traumatic memories associated with their
first hair cut. And yet all is not lost. Explain one more
time the benefits of shaving, ease off on preoccupations
with your own sexual fetish, emphasize the oral pleasures
you intend to bestow upon her. Offer to research options
and shaving techniques, to perform the shaving personally
and to help her maintain comfort and the look. Finally,
promise that at the end of two weeks (or a month, if you
can swing it), if it's not worth it to her, she is free
to grow out her pubic hair again with no more nagging from
you. If she takes up your proposal, you're a lucky man.
And if not, well, there are other gardens to cultivate.
--Suey
Dear Suey, I've just gotten out of a relationship
with a woman that I really care for. I have had the best
platonic fun that I have ever had with a woman in my life.
The major problem has been that she doesn't like sex. The
first couple months were fun and sexy, if you like always
being the giver and never receiving anything back unless
I had to ask for it. Then it went downhill, down to once
a month.
She doesn't miss it at all. I'm a good lover,very giving
and passionate. I care very much about my partner, making
sure I'm doing everything I can for our mutual enjoyment.
I have tried being romantic with flowers, candy and even
my inept poetry, but nothing will turn her into what she
isn't: romantic. She always refers to it as having sex,
not making love. And she has said that she doesn't do it
very well alone either. She says that she prefers to cuddle,
which is nice in its own right, but making love, in my opinion,
is the only true way to show how much you care for your
partner.
What's wrong here? Is there a hormone problem? Is she gay
and not realizing it? Are there really people out there
that don't enjoy sex?
--Baffled
Dear Baffled, Why yes, there are a number of people
who don't enjoy sex. A study in the Journal of the American
Medical Association last year reported that 43 percent
of American women and 31 percent of men experience some
form of "sexual dysfunction"--either they don't like it,
aren't interested, feel stressed by it, or are otherwise
performing below expectations. This is not a new phenomenon.
Go look at the books in the gender studies and women's health
section; you'll find lotsa material to support JAMA's
case.
Given that your ex didn't like sex on her own, it's hardly
surprising that she didn't like it with you (or any other
human being) either. Is there anything you could have done
for her? Cuddling, flowers and inept poetry can certainly
act as a temporary sex surrogate; however, as you rightly
point out, romantic gestures are not the same as sex. I
suppose you could have gone the next step, helping her to
explore on her own by accidentally leaving well-chosen erotica
at her place, secretly installing water massage units in
her bathtub, perhaps enlisting her best friend to talk things
over with her (by the way, also an excellent way to test
the gay theory).
But in the end, it was (and always will be) for her to
decide how she feels about sex. Maybe the time for Milan
Kundera under moonlight and sticky-sweet lovemaking will
arrive for her someday. But you did your best for her; take
comfort in the fact you tried to care of her in the ways
you knew how.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still tantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published March 15,
2000
|
