Dear Suey, I've been dating a girl for more than
six months now, and things are starting to get uncomfortable.
Two months into it, she told me that she was also seeing
another man besides me. I didn't know how to react to this
news, but since we had only been going out for a couple
of months, it wasn't a big problem.
She also admitted that he was married and that she didn't
know it at the time they started dating. She told me that
she really wanted to keep seeing me and hoped I wouldn't
leave her. So I stuck around, and she said she was doing
her best to deal with the situation.
For the past couple of months we've been going out regularly
and having a great time together. We are so alike that it's
scary sometimes. But I'm now at a point where I need some
commitment. I don't feel we can go any further in this relationship
without her dealing with this other guy. I'm getting the
distinct impression that she has some sort of obsession
or warped fantasy of her future with him, though she fully
admits it will never work out to be ideal.
So what's for me? If she knows there is no future with
this other guy, why can't she give him up?
--Third Wheel
Dear Third Wheel, For better or worse, when people
fall in love, there is a tendency to ignore trivial matters
of circumstance such as the other person's marital status,
employment record, credit card debt levels, and so on. Love
is more often a sense of shared souls.
Does that mean she and Mr. Married should be together?
Not necessarily. In this world, love is rarely a simple,
causality-based proposition, and some romances are better
left as great unknowns. But the real question for you is,
if there is no future with Miss Unavailable, why can't you
give her up?
You might not be ready to do that now, and there's nothing
wrong with pledging your undying devotion (at least for
the time being). But keep in mind that noncommittal "friends"
can so vex the mind that 10 years later, you're still confused.
Do yourself a favor, TW: Don't wait too long before making
a decision.
--Suey
Dear Suey, I'm a 20-year-old female who has been
in serious relationships all my life. I just finally got
out of one, and I'm just totally lost! I don't know what's
it like to be out there anymore! I've forgotten how to flirt
or to open my heart; I feel like I've been so disappointed
in love I just don't really believe in it anymore! I'm an
attractive girl, and I can get a date, but once on the date
I don't know how to be a cool chick to hang around with
anymore, and I do really want to connect with someone. I
have met a guy but I don't know how it's going. I've only
seen him five times and we've fooled around twice. We haven't
done it yet, and I don't know when it's the right time.
I told the guy in the beginning I wasn't looking for anything
serious because I wasn't protecting myself and also because
I heard he has a problem with commitment. But he says it's
just that he hasn't found someone he has wanted to stay
with for a long time. I'm a pretty good judge of character,
and he seems like he is not just here to fool around. He
talks like he is interested in me and my life, but I am
just not sure. How do I go about this kind of situation?
How do I know if he's really interested?
--Lost
Dear Lost, You're not lost; you're just burned out.
You're also relatively young (perhaps not in dog years,
but certainly compared to Arlene Schnitzer), so the condition
will probably last only a week or so. In the meantime, you
can rest comfortably in the knowledge that "burned out"
is a very "cool chick" way to be. Personally, I've been
burned out from age 13 on up and it's done wonders for my
social life.
The trick is to milk such a situation for what it's worth.
Your question should not be "Is he interested," but rather,
"Am I interested in him?" Of course, "Who knows?" is a perfectly
good answer: honest, yet solidly non-committal. You can
build a decent dating routine or even a long-term friendship
on that kind of sincerity. Take your time, get to know him,
avoid family dinners--I'm sure he's doing the same. You're
right to be wary of serious romantic commitments for now,
so trust that instinct.
Unfortunately, no matter how you cling to it, ennui tends
to fade with time. You'll begin to trust the world a little
better just because you don't mind so much that it kind
of sucks. You'll get up in the morning, you'll notice that
clouds are gathering, birds are in the air, and that you
have an uncontrollable desire to denude some guy of his
canvass belt buckle and sack out with him in the Fred Meyer
parking lot. When that happens, you'll have to give up your
doubts about whether this is a smart thing to do.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still tantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published March 22,
2000
|
