Dear Suey,
I'm in a most peculiar place and I know of no one to relate
this to. I'll try to be brief. As an ex-porn performer of
over 10 years, I've had my share of both men and women. I
was lucky (or savvy) enough to "get out" without any type
of STD, managed to save a few bucks and move on. I am now
in my late 30s and have come to the realization that it is
impossible for me to truly love. Oh, I can fuck with the best
of 'em, but when it comes down to a committed one-on-one,
I seem to be completely inept. I am simply too jaded to ever
be surprised, and my sexual background being what it is, I'm
certain to scare off any potential suitors.
I have cursed myself by over-indulging in the sexual arena.
I do not relate to LOVEMAKING. It appears that I can only
relate to FUCKING. Please offer a better alternative than
drugs, Jesus, suicide, etc.
--Just Another Pretty Face
Dear Pretty Face,
I imagine there comes a time in every thinking person's career
when one finds oneself in a second-rate or four star hotel
in Bahrain, tossing and turning in an unfamiliar time zone,
surrounded by fresh figs and Cutty Sark and orange juice from
concentrate yet feeling completely jaded about room service,
love, and sexual dominion over underlings. To be perfectly
honest, I've never been a porn star, nor have I run a multinational
corporation or fought off vicious intellectual sluts for tenure.
And yet I can't help but wonder if the fatigue you feel is
a subtle form of midlife crisis.
Anyone who has spent a decent amount of time dealing with
human nature knows that people are basically just steaming
heaps of biological discharge, playing out dominance games
left over from the eighth grade. After 30 or more years of
this super-boring shit, we are understandably driven to the
point of despair.
Of course, from another point of view, people are also perfect
beings. If you can't see that, it's because truth is a "kick
me" sign and it's stuck on your back; you'll just have to
feel around in the dark for a while. It's an embarrassing
predicament, so be honest about that. Be honest also about
your boredom with the old ways. Try faking a good attitude,
try collapsing in a heap of dejection when that doesn't work.
Avoid the old routines (sexual and otherwise) that make you
feel stupid and dull; then let yourself go a little soft around
the edges. You're trying to let something hidden come into
your field of view. You won't have to hunt it down, it's right
behind you. Let yourself fall in love with it.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
Even though I haven't been able to get into a relationship
in years, I have many close women friends who trust me, open
up to me, share the intimate details of the romantic messes
they hurl themselves into. I consider this an honor of sorts,
an "impersonal" or "transpersonal" form of love--but as for
more "personal" forms of love, no way. When I made the scary
move of bringing up this possibility a couple of years back,
it nearly destroyed a great and valuable friendship. It was
enough to deter me from trying again.
I am generally a likable person--considerate (too considerate?),
interesting, a good conversationalist, a maniac dancer--yet
I have little money or material resources. I hate to think
that the problem is shallowness on the part of women who only
want money. What to do?
--Guy Friend
Dear GF,
Het guys and girls need their gender-opposite
friends, of course. Even better than same-sex buddies, the
gender-opposite can be tagged, numbered and studied for cultural
and behavioral anomalies; they can provide ambiguous sexual
tension, gossip fodder and, in a pinch, can be used to fill
in as maniac dance partners. A shoulder to cry on, an impromptu
karate class date...what's not to love?
Let me be blunt about this: No matter how much she likes
you and you like her, any sudden stagy moves toward the grand
funky will get you nothing better than a two week pass to
your local Neil LaBute retrospective. You're right to shy
away from hitting on your gal pals.
And yet friends do fall in love, and they start the same
way everyone else does: a glance that lasts too long for comfort,
a neighborhood search for lost kittens, an all-nighter on
the couch watching Star Trek and talking cosmic politics.
Still, in my estimation, it's not possible to date long-term
buddies casually; there's no point blurting out the truth
unless it's absolutely necessary. In the meantime, my previous
advice still holds: 1) Ask your gal pals to set you up; 2)
work on your wardrobe/bank account while you're killing time;
and 3) if you dare, ask your friends to tell you what you're
doing wrong. They know you better than I do and might have
some decent pointers for you.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
|
