Dear Suey,
I am 24 and I've never had sex. I've had many, many chances,
come very close, and have recently tried--but technically,
I'm the big V. Not only am I scared of the physical pain,
but the act of intercourse disgusts me.
Up until recently, I've used every possible excuse: "Being
a feminist, this is my way of protesting men's social and
physical control over women;" "I'm waiting for someone who
gives a shit about me (or at least knows my real name, or
my favorite band);" "I want to break the record for oldest
virgin."
Lately, these excuses have worn out. Now I just want to get
it over with. I have tried with a couple different guys in
the past few months (a strangers and a friend), but at the
last second--panic. There's also the dilemma of whether to
tell the lucky guy "Hey, go easy 'cause this is new to me."
Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Oh, and I haven't
been abused, raped, battered, neglected or molested.
--Hopeless Virgin
Dear Hopeless V,
We stopped tossing our virgins into volcanoes long ago, but
even so, society evinces a certain lack of respect for Shirley
Temples, Bloodless Marys and other untainted types. I don't
care who you are: No matter how many corporations you raid,
no matter how successful you become in international gun trafficking
and sweatshop labor practices, it's always difficult to come
home to parents and friends, and admit that you're still a
virgin.
In fact, your reaction to the idea of intercourse seems pretty
level-headed to me. Sex is strange, just as oysters, escargot
and Pamela Anderson Lee are strange. It's an acquired taste,
so take your time with it. Look for a lucky guy you can confide
in, and tell him that you've never done it before. Pack a
picnic, find a creek, bring a tent and maybe a lubricant (it
helps when last minute anxieties dry you out, and no, sex
is not supposed to be painful).
Then let nature take its course.
I recommend it. In any case, if you're hoping to become the
world's oldest virgin, you must realize competition is fierce.
Read on...
--Suey
Dear Suey,
Please, please help me! I am a 28-year-old female who has
never had sex, or any relations with a man! I am not strange,
or frigid, or gay. I don't think that there is anything wrong
with me. It's just that before I was never interested in men,
but now all I can think of is men and sex! At my age, I just
don't know how to meet or attract a man. This is very important
to me; I feel very depressed over the prospect of never having
a relationship and being lonely for the rest of my life. I
know that sexual drive is very natural and healthy in someone
my age, but I don't know what to do with mine! After all this
time, I am also afraid that I can't learn how, either. Suey,
please help me to find a way.
--Tired of being a Virgin
Dear Tired V,
It's been a major theme of '70s cinema, but there is a difference
between a good lay and satisfying human companionship. If
you want your man-machine out of the bed and out your life
by noon, you simply advertise in the personals for a sleepover
buddy. Be sure to highlight your interest in casual sex. The
casual sex part is very important. Hell, even a notice in
the lawnmower section will work so long as you mention the
casual sex.
But if you're more hoping to alleviate loneliness, then try
a different tack. Join a forest service group, learn how to
salsa or find a new roommate. If you're turned on by sequins,
then look for a Scott Hamilton newsgroup; if you prefer soul-searching
over grilled-cheese sandwiches and a pinball machine, then
cultivate one or two special buddies to hang with at the mall.
The point is that non-virgins, the differently gendered, men--they
really aren't so different from you: they have aches and pains,
they know disappointment, they also wonder what it's like
to have a million dollars, and some of them will want to talk
about it. Be a friend, and don't be afraid to touch. The attraction
will come--in the meantime, you'll compare notes.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
I'm an ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
|
