Dear Suey, My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to
marry her 23-year-old boyfriend. Since graduating from college,
they've been living in our basement rent-free; neither has
a career plan to speak of. They talk about holding a potluck
at their wedding reception and traveling around the country
in a van for their honeymoon. Frankly, I think they're too
immature to handle the rigors of marriage. I tried talking
to them about living together; I've considered cutting off
relations with the lovebirds, letting them find their own
apartment at least, but my wife won't hear of it. How can
I talk the kids out of this mess?--Father in fear of gaining
a son
Dear Dad, When kids want to get married straight
out of college, it's usually for the stunt value. We're
talking about the same mind-set that makes students disassemble
a VW Bug and put it back together on the roof of the engineering
department. At a certain age (2-25), every act is a challenge
to authority, logic and common sense. You remember what
it's like: Damned know-it-all teenagers show up at university
thinking they're the first people ever to see a James Bond
revival series or discuss Foucault in an academic setting.
Pretty soon, they're talking environmental politics and
really believing in that fake ID.
Of course, you're right, the kids don't know the first
thing about marriage. They dimly recall something about
chattel and social progress from women's studies class;
they don't yet realize it's much more to do with searching
out a van-sized parking space on Northwest 23rd Avenue and
who forgot to pay the Blazervision bill. Unfortunately,
it's pretty much impossible to explain the subtleties of
a lifelong-roomie setup to the uninitiated, so don't get
into it.
I know this is going to be hard for you, Dad. But I don't
hear you complaining that he treats her badly, and you're
not criticizing his values, either. Instead, you're wanting
to interfere with something that probably can't be helped--their
poor judgment. Don't do it. Poor judgment gets worked out
after you've had your three marriages and 15 career changes
and when you're on Social Security with time to think. Don't
rush that process. Besides, everybody's youth is misspent;
just take a drive past Satyricon on any Saturday night.
All things being equal, uninformed romantic bliss is actually
an OK way for kids to spend the first couple of months of
adulthood. --Suey
Dear Suey, I recently met someone through the Internet.
She's funny, she's smart, and I really enjoy talking to
her. The problem is, I suspect she's a stalker. Over the
holidays, we had a great time seeing each other, but then
life got busy again, and I had to cancel out on a date.
I left a message explaining what happened; she never got
it. (I believe that--there were some weird clicking noises
on the phone.) Within a day and a half she was leaving multiple
messages at my home and my office and scaring my coworkers.
Friends say I should stay away from this one, and I'm pretty
disturbed by what happened. But since "the incident," she's
given me plenty of space and her explanations (she was worried
about my safety and talked about some of her childhood abandonment
fears) make sense. I think I want to keep seeing her but
only if she can be trusted not to turn psycho again. I've
got a tight schedule and very definite priorities in my
life. Am I getting in over my head? --Tentative in Tigard
Dear TT, Being a sexy, hot Oriental gal with humongous
breasts and reed-like hips, I often have 10 stalkers after
me at any given time. I spend all my weekends at the police
station, filling out restraining orders in triplicate, and
I make my mother dial a special 50-digit code to bypass
my telephone's security protocols.
Well, not really. I'm just trying to imagine what it would
be like to have a stalker on my tail to better identify
with your predicament. Unfortunately, this exercise doesn't
give me a clue about whether your gal is going to turn your
life into living hell or not. Only time (and repeat dates)
will tell if her outburst indicates a chronic and ongoing
problem or if it was just a temporary start-of-the-relationship
freakout. In the meantime, I can state with certainty that
stalkers aren't stalkers if you're still dating them.
Even so, your days of blissful ignorance and casual courtship
are numbered. This lady wants to be "your woman." Are you
ready for a serious relationship in which needs and neuroses
must be accommodated? Since you've already ignored the advice
of friends, I predict you'll date this chick again. My suggestions
for you: Sit down with a day planner, buy more answering-machine
tape, crack open a fortune cookie and put your heart on
your sleeve. Her demons may be appeased by a public display
of your affection and improved e-mail response time. And
if not, well, at least you'll know you tried. --Suey
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Willamette Week | originally
published May 12, 1999
|
