Dear Suey, Do you think it's OK to break up with a
guy over sex? I'm very attracted to "Ralph," but the initial
thrill only goes so far. Last weekend, we slept together for
the first time, and the big event was a real disappointment
to me. He once said oral sex disgusts him, but now he wants
to try if it means we'll stay together; I say I'm not going
to enjoy it if I know it's turning his stomach. Maybe it's
a female thing or maybe it's the guys I date, but this kind
of thing keeps happening to me. I don't know what to do.
--Tongue-Tied in Tualatin
Dear Ms. T, Break up with him if you want, but I
think you're trying to avoid the inevitable. I'm talking
about sex re-education, of course. Most women do not attempt
sex re-education of clue-impaired males until they've exhausted
themselves first with all other possibilities (e.g., whipped
cream, peripheral affairs, other women, chastity). That's
because sex re-ed is painful for you too. You may have to
investigate such issues as "communication" and "relationship
dynamics," and then you may have to put those ideas into
practice. You'll be forced to explain what you want, discover
new ways to enjoy the idea that oral sex nauseates him or
even trust him when he says it's really not so bad. Your
anxiety levels will rise like an angry dragon from the misty
swamp, and once he starts mood-matching, so will his.
There are books to help you with this. Some of them are
even kind of sexy, with fun pictures and activities! I like
The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand--step-by-step
instructions, with many giggly rituals to perform. Covering
everything from home decorating to sexy talk to "anal healing
massage," you will certainly not be able to perform these
technically demanding exercises with any kind of poise the
first time through; that should take the performance pressure
off. If Margo's book is too New Agey for you, try making
up your own events, perhaps an erotic literature exchange
or an interpretive dance And when you do try oral sex again,
keep in mind that man types can be powerfully aroused by
fantasies of their own sexual prowess. And if he says it's
not so bad, it's true. --Suey
Dear Suey, I've met a wonderful guy who seems to
be perfect for me in almost every way. Just one problem:
he's homophobic. He doesn't engage in gay bashing or anything
like that, but he does avoid being around gay men at all
costs.
I find this troubling in and of itself, but it's compounded
by the fact that my best friend is a gay man. What should
I do?
--Gay-Friendly in Government Camp
Dear Ms. Camp, You know, things are especially confusing
for men these days. They've had to share so many of their
guy things to support women's liberation (like pants and
bread-winner status), and now they must cling to the shabbier
symbols of manhood (used car batteries and prostate problems)--the
stuff nobody really wanted in the first place. Some men
are attempting to co-opt stuff back (fingernail polish and
hair nets), even though women have more experience at this
kind of game (kick-boxing, deodorant, home-improvement skills).
It's no wonder that some men feel they must avoid "at all
costs" any situation that might force them to contemplate
their own sexual and gender identities.
But Christ, does your guy realize that he's snubbing the
one male friend of yours who is almost certainly not
interested in your body?
Unfortunately, I have no idea what cures homophobia. Psychotherapy?
Crystals? It seems you and your gay guy friend offer the
perfect therapeutic setting--if your sweetie truly wants
the healing to begin. Talk to your phobic about what's up
and remind him gently that he never has to sleep with a
gay guy if he doesn't want to (or, um, does he want to?).
After reaffirming his het proclivities, offer to introduce
your sweetie to your gay best buddy in a neutral environment--not
a gay bar, not a straight bar, nothing with any sort of
political agenda. Maybe Coffee People? If your boyfriend
still refuses your best and sweetest effort, then I say
nag, wheedle, threaten, tease and pester--or simply throw
up your hands as you walk out the door. --Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Help, I'm crushed out on movie stars. |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to but a dildo |
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Willamette Week | originally
published May 26, 1999
|
