Dear Suey,
It used to be that women who were married or engaged wore
a ring on their left hand. Then suddenly, it became popular
to wear the ring on the right hand. Now, apparently, it
has become all the rage to not wear a ring at all. What's
up with this? How am I supposed to know if she's available?
--Wondering
0ear Wondering,
Is that what's been going on? I thought the ring started
on the left hand (to symbolize tradition), then switched
to dangling from a macramé necklace (a nod to feminism),
and finally landed on the right hand (for that Euro-look)
or both (to represent indecision/remarriage/engagement ring
mismatch). In the absence of stern intergenerational control,
we've gotten sloppy with our cultural symbols; now we are
hard-pressed to interpret the fashion cues that previously
aided singles on the prowl. My mom is no help; she tells
me I should have listened before, and if I want more information
now, I'll just have to go surf for this wedding FAQ. Here
are my gleanings:
Gold: At one time, gold rings were exchanged as money;
gals were probably given engagement rings to symbolize his
ability to buy off her parents.
Left hand, third finger: Early Christians claimed this
finger had a love vein running straight to the heart.
Right hand: Despite said love vein, the right hand is preferred
by the Greek Orthodox, Ukrainians and confused slackers.
On a necklace: Maybe she's sporty.
No ring: Either she's a Seventh Day Adventist under strict
prohibition against ornamentation, or she has a hard time
keeping track of jewelry. It's even possible she's single.
Please note: Although lack of ring symbolized liberation
through most of the '70s, today's hard-line feminists don't
get married anyway, so they may or may not bear rings.
But here's the crux of your problem, isn't it? Whether
she wears it on a finger, around her neck or through her
nose, she might or might not be available. Your safest and
most endearing strategy is simply to ask if she's interested.
Then ask where she gets her jewelry. You might get a tip
on places to shop.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I love my husband dearly, and I'm committed to working things
out with him, but we argue about everything. Money, vacations,
whose turn it is to fix dinner--you name it, we fight about
it. It's tearing me apart. I'm losing sleep, and sometimes
I'm so angry I can't think about anything else.
I've raised the possibility of marriage counseling a number
of times. My husband says he doesn't believe in it; he doesn't
think marriage counselors know what they're doing. However,
after much "discussion," he has agreed to try it once. The
problem is, I'm not sure I believe in marriage counseling
either. The few therapists I've ever talked with seem to
be flakes or clueless or working out of a textbook. But
I don't know where else to turn. We need a referee. Any
suggestions?
--Rocky
Dear Rocky,
Therapists might seem like pricey confidants, but you won't
have to buy them any alcohol to keep them interested in
your problems. Besides, spilling your beans to a licensed
practitioner rarely has the same consequences as complaining
about your credit-card debt, extramarital affair or childrearing
fiascos to your mother's sister's drycleaner's favorite
drinking buddy, for example. If only for the fantastic venting
afforded (and to satisfy your curiosity), I recommend you
find a counselor.
Take time to review your options. Read a few books; get
familiar with strategies that might work for you. Then ask
for references, call around town, and feel free to ask the
candidates directly about credentials, working methods,
favorite movies, philosophical position on phenomenology,
whatever you like. You're looking for someone you connect
with, whose opinions and methods make sense to you. If the
sound of Ravi Shankar and the sight of crystals in the waiting
room makes you want to burn out your senses with curry powder,
then you know to pass and keep looking.
Once you find someone who challenges you in just the right
way, make an appointment for yourself. And that's it. Don't
worry about what your husband chooses to do. More often
than you think, arguments can be resolved with a little
individual perspicacity (a.k.a. psychoanalysis, energy work,
mind-body problem solving, etc.). Keep your favorite antagonist
involved in other ways: Plan a few romantic time-outs, as
well as weekly "discussion" periods. Consider separating
your finances. Learn to meet some of your own needs, but
remember to indulge his once in a while too.
Ultimately, therapy may not be the thing for you (sometimes
it isn't). You might end up needing a lot of glass-blowing
classes, Tae Bo workouts, or Heidegger seminars instead.
Keep experimenting. Refereeing is an acquired skill.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
|
