Dear Suey, I'm about to turn 30, and I've started to
see a psychiatrist. I'm trying to decide whether I want to
be in a lifelong relationship or remain permanently single.
If I choose a relationship, I need to address my incompetence
with same. If I choose the single life, I need to figure out
what else to do with the time and energy I might have spent
dating. (I also need to figure out how I got stuck with such
a boring job, but that's another question.) Any advice would
be appreciated--you could save me tons of money.
--SWF seeks answers
Dear SWF, Be careful about the questions you ask
yourself and how you answer them. It's one thing to act
based on a conviction that rises from the depths of your
soul, whispering that little goatees are the greatest aesthetic
statement of our times and that you should fall in love
with Matt at the copy shop because his is perfect. It's
quite another to choose a random mate or none at all just
because you can't stand the ambiguity anymore.
I think your question falls into the second category. You're
young, you're ready to take stock, and you realize that
your life so far has been a total disaster. Don't panic--this
is perfectly normal. Just because you must see a definitive
change in your life right now, don't mentally hitch yourself
to some ball and chain you haven't even met yet, or imagine
that you must live out the rest of your days in self-imposed
celibacy. These are both rather unspectacular and extreme
solutions, and it's no wonder you have difficulty choosing
between them.
I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and suggest that
the man/no man question is not your central issue. I'm guessing
the real problem is that after 10 years of doing your own
laundry, buying your own groceries and decorating your own
apartment, you still have no idea what you want. The task
of choosing a breakfast cereal has already taxed your decision-making
abilities to their limit, and the thought of sorting through
a whole mess of men to find and commit to that one special
someone is making your mind boggle.
Figuring out what you want looks hard but, as luck
would have it, can be done in 15-minute increments.
Step 1: Figure out what you want to do for the next 15
minutes.
Step 2: Do it.
Start out with something that has no redeeming social value
and is not at all relevant to your career or love life.
Maybe you want to mix up a vat of jello and then stick your
hand in it. Or maybe you want to get into the shower with
all your clothes on. Then figure out what you want to do
with Matt at the copy shop for the next 15 minutes.
The point is, decisions are supposed to be about concrete
real-life situations. You could try making long-term plans
based on what people are supposed to do and other such abstract
principles, but I suspect this will land you a career in
real estate when you've always been allergic to carpet glue.
Instead, simply make a decision to do what you want and
leave room for the unexpected.
An example: When a punk friend turned 30, she too decided
to swear off men, especially if they kept turning out like
her ex-boyfriends. A new guy showed up at work a few weeks
later. Mysteriously, they carried identical Pez dispenser
key chains. Marriage soon followed. --Suey
Dear Suey, I'm 25, and I've been seeing a great
girl for the last six months. I think I love her, but I
can't help wondering if it's just a misdirected feeling
of greed. The thing is, her family has money. Lots of it.
They've got a gigantic mansion in the West Hills with an
incredible indoor gym, and her parents are offering to take
us with them for their next vacation in Hawaii. I really
want to go to Hawaii! How can I tell if I really care about
my girlfriend or if I'm just taking advantage of her?
--Funny Money
Dear Mr. Money, Enjoy your girlfriend's money while
you can, but I wouldn't get too attached to it. Within two
or three generations, family fortunes tend to dwindle away
into debts, bad stock investments and bizarre sibling rivalries.
If you hang on for too long, you'll probably find yourself
enmeshed in some tragic Faulknerian moonshine drama, complete
with drinking problems, tax collectors and bastard children
by your sister-in-law.
But in the meantime, there's no problem with enjoying her
family's generosity. Just know that as you establish your
career and financial independence, the tables will eventually
turn and you'll be supporting her through grad school, detox,
pregnancy, whatever. Are you prepared to start buying overpriced
burritos for her? Are you willing to let her splatter hair-care
products all over your personally mortgaged bathtub? If
so, then relax--you're just the kind of chump she needs.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
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Willamette Week | originally
published June 2, 1999
|
