Dear Suey, I just turned 32, and my boyfriend is 24.
We get along in most ways--we like the same music, we keep
the same hours (I work nights and like to sleep late). The
problems are sexual. When we're in bed together, he says he
feels like a pervert because I let him do anything he wants
with my body; he says he wants me to fend him off. He also
doesn't like it when I jokingly refer to myself as "his whore."
I'm not exactly disturbed by any of this, but I don't understand
it, and it seems to bother him a lot. What do you think? Am
I supposed to handle this somehow?
--Sleepy in Southeast
Dear Sleepy, When I was in high school, I knew a
guy who shaved himself entirely bald of body hair--leg hair,
armpit hair, pubic hair, it all had to go. It was something
to do with fear of growth spurts, dread at becoming a sexual
being, loss of innocence, the sordid future of humanity.
He later went on to become a professor of comparative religion,
specializing in ethical thought and attitudes about evil.
Which goes to show that contemplation on the dark side of
human nature can turn into a full-time occupation with a
decent salary.
Lately, our thinking about sex has become very subtle:
Maybe sex isn't bad, but nasty sex is. Or maybe nasty sex
isn't bad either, but a poor attitude is. Meanwhile, we
are watching John Waters movies and news reports from Littleton
and realizing that not only does human depravity seem stupid
and desperate and sad, but in some awful way, we can really
relate.
Look, sex isn't just about sunshine and buttercups; sex
can be violent. Your boyfriend may need some time to come
to terms with that. At the same time, you are under no obligation
to "fend him off" or to save him from his own twisted imagination.
Personally, I also miss the playground monitor, who would
make me stand by the fence so that I couldn't get into any
more trouble. But those days of forced innocence are over.
Now it's up to us to find out what it means to be human
and then decide what to do about that.
--Suey
Dear Suey, I'm in a fairly stable, fairly rewarding
relationship. A longtime friend and occasional lover is
leaving town, and she is proposing farewell sex. What shall
I do?
--Tempted
Dear Tempted, Well sure, you can have farewell sex,
as long as you're willing to break up your current relationship
over it. You'll probably have to sneak out of the house,
dodging a co-worker at the coffee shop who'll spot you holding
hands with your ex from across the street; you'll feel a
little nervous and confused about dividing your loyalties
between your former lover and your new one. You'll go back
to her place, which will be scattered with half-packed boxes
and small mementos of her life in Portland--a pretty green
picture frame or an old pair of tennis shoes that always
reminded you of her, and suddenly it will seem very sad
that she is going, that she's not taking her favorite sneakers
but that she's left them in the Goodwill bag; and while
you are looking, she will step quietly behind you and touch
your arm with warm, dry fingers in that familiar way, just
like she used to do, and you will close your eyes and sigh,
remembering the promises neither of you kept, the strange
gloomy silences that crept in between you, and you will
accept with sweet resignation that, in the end, there was
inevitability to your time together. You'll turn to her
passionately, perhaps with a touch of anger or regret, and
when it's over, you'll look at her shoulders, the small
of her back, the shape of her cheek, not with love, but
just to remember. She'll be looking back at you.
Setting aside any moral judgments about cheating on partners,
forcing your friends to keep secrets for you, lying to yourself
and your loved one about your own lack of integrity (all
of which could ruin a perfectly happy relationship), the
real problem with farewell sex is that it's way more entertaining
than stable monogamous sex. After such a scene, I can almost
guarantee that, within two years, your relationship with
your current lover will be over, your ex will unexpectedly
find herself back in town, and you two will start on the
same slightly obsessive cycle of tantalizing and yet unsatisfactory
"not quite lovers, not quite friends" type of love affair
all over again.
Try to remember the last time you made love with your ex.
It was probably a little flat, faintly dull, maybe even
annoying. I recommend you cling to that memory as your "farewell"--the
sex that didn't seem worth saving at the time. Then remember
your friend. She's probably feeling a little nervous about
moving and saying goodbye, and she just needs to know somebody
back home is noticing this.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I choose a relationship
or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published June 9, 1999
|
