Dear Suey, I enjoyed your dildo column, but your readers
should know there is no substitute for a real man.
--Disappointed in Dildos
Dear Disappointed, True. But keep in mind that while
many enjoy the company of real men for ranching, skeet shooting
and catching up on Xena, some of these same people
may not want a "real man" in bed with them.
The point is, owning a dildo is not necessarily antisocial,
nor does it signal a lack of interest in the rest of the
world. Once you start collecting dildos, you start collecting
amusing dildo stories to tell, like how the dog ran off
with your favorite one and dropped it in the front yard,
where it stayed for weeks, or how you discovered that your
roommate had been borrowing without asking. Even in a relationship,
dildos can be a source of mutual amusement--you can use
them during sex, or you can dress them up and put on a puppet
play. By reenacting your stories and sharing them with others,
you affirm your bond with humanity.
Of course, not everyone wants to hear about the latest
addition to the candy wrapper collection, your Jar Jar fetish
or your favorite weeding tool. But for some lonely hearts,
dildos are a great conversation starter and coffee table
piece--and ultimately a way back into society.
--Suey
Dear Suey, How do you find the right man when all
the people you meet are women or gay men?
--Wondering Where the Straight Guys Are
Dear Wondering, Statistically speaking, nearly half
of the people you meet should be heterosexual males, and
yet you probably know as well as I that they are not necessarily
hanging out in aerobics class or at Kitchen Kaboodle.
The answer is sports. That's what the guys are interested
in. That's what they're doing.
Perhaps you could join a co-ed soccer team? Easier said
than done, I know. Personally, I don't play sports; I had
bad experiences in P.E. I'm not just afraid of the ball;
I'm also afraid of my teammates, the locker room, the gym
teacher and the ground. As a microcosm of American social
life, sports make all too clear the painfully low status
of the weak, the small, the artistically inclined. Sports
are psychologically grueling, too; all our worst hang-ups
are revealed when life is not just a random series of events
but is instead well structured, with clear goals and a purpose.
Do you have issues with hierarchy or authority? Do you suffer
from unnaturally high levels of anxiety? In sports, you
cannot afford to have a philosophical framework that derides
aggression and the will to succeed. Sports teach us that
no matter how far out we stand in the outfield, a hard round
pellet could still fall out of the sky and knock us down
on our myopic butts.
Try to break through any inhibitions and prejudices on
this issue. I, for example, am now a freakish basketball
fan (strictly as a spectator, of course). I know the players,
and I can argue my opinions on trades and coaches; my desperate
need to relive past glories is driving up hit counts on
sports-themed Web sites all over the world. But the real
power is in watching a game: to feel the beauty of a well-executed
pick and roll, to experience (albeit secondhand) the physical
joy in a strong move through a clot of nasty defenders.
It's something I (and a lot of guys) think about A LOT.
Of course, to many straight women, gay guys can be very
intriguing, what with their sexual self-determination, enticing
unavailability and unerring taste in men. But at the end
of the 20th century, when the heterosexual man is quickly
going out of style, I think it's especially important to
remember and appreciate the traditionally het man's lifestyle.
Maybe it seems to you that heterosexuals are wearing the
wrong kind of baggy clothes--you have nothing in common
with them. Or perhaps you think you're not meeting any "good
ones"--they all seem like apes, and their frank sexual interest
in you is a turn-off. Look, not all straight guys are so
bad at expressing themselves, and some will do it in an
appropriately reverential way.
Cultivate some common interest, learn to tolerate those
obsessions you just can't fathom, and don't act too surprised
if he wants you to teach him about Ally McBeal. Male-female
dating is a good opportunity for everyone to expand their
cultural horizons.
Quick tip for straight guys obsessed with lesbians: Painful
as it may be, try cutting back on high-density Sapphic environments
such as the great outdoors, biology departments and women's
music festivals. Yes, straight women go there too, but you're
using this as an excuse. Instead, ask a lesbian friend to
introduce you to a straight gal, or refocus your energies
on aerobics class and Kitchen Kaboodle.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I choose a relationship
or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend feels like a
pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published June 23, 1999
|
