Dear Suey:
I could really use some advice concerning a complex relationship
I'm involved in. I've been divorced for about two years;
my ex and I share custody of our 6 year old son. About a
year ago I met someone via the Internet. There was an immediate
connection between us. I was able to communicate with Julie
in ways that I was never able to with my ex. (Perhaps that's
why the marriage didn't work out.) It quickly progressed
from online, to phone calls, to an actual meeting. We've
been dating for close to a year.
The problem I'm having revolves around the fact that Julie
is transgendered (pre-op transsexual). She was open and
up-front about it from the beginning, and I have to admit
that it was a turn-on for me. Julie lives full-time as a
woman and has a regular job in the computer industry.
Our relationship has progressed far beyond the physical.
We have a very strong connection. We love each other dearly.
Julie has met some members of my family, but they have
no idea about our "secret." (She is extremely passable.)
One problem is that we don't want to lie to anyone about
it. After much thought we have decided on a "don't ask,
don't tell" policy.
Another problem is that I feel guilty about our relationship
when I think about my son. I'm worried that he might be
ostracized by neighbors and friends should they find out
about it. I'm also worried that he may eventually resent
me.
As much as I love Julie, I'm starting to get stressed out.
I'm worried about how certain friends, family members and
coworkers are going to react when they find out. I really
don't have anyone to talk to about this.
There is so much ignorance surrounding the topic transgenderism.
The easiest thing would be to cut off the relationship now.
If I do that I feel like I would be giving in to social
pressures about what constitutes a "normal" relationship.
I also feel it wouldn't be true to my feelings and beliefs.
Am I just being selfish?
Any words of wisdom?
--Eric
Dear Eric,
I spent some time thinking about your quandary and still
managed to do my laundry, pay my bills, watch several episodes
of Sex in the City and read the complete works of
Will and Ariel Durant. I've been wishing I could tell you
not to worry about social strictures and what other people
think, but we are monkeys, after all. Dominance games can
be very cruel, and early humiliation is an easy path to
future therapy bills. You're right to worry about your son's
(and your own) ability to handle potential confrontations.
However, after much agonizing and a quick dash past fear
and ambiguity, I've decided that the "don't ask, don't tell"
policy is your real problem.
Here's the thing: When hatemongers are organizing against
you, you need to organize back. You need to pull on blood
ties and political alliances; you need to cultivate a sense
of cooler-than-thou. So perhaps you could try a strategic
"do tell" policy instead.
That's not to say that you're now required to wear rainbow
arm bands and a megaphone as you perform acts of gender-politic
recycling for all the identity-troubled youths in town.
Instead, pick out a few people who'd feel tickled to be
let in on your secret: a confidante well-placed in the family,
or an open-minded PTA member. A few old college friends
or maybe some of hers. PFLAG members are a sure thing, so
introduce yourself around. Forget about "certain people"
for the moment and look for the ones who can appreciate
the happiness you've found.
Assemble your supporters, then deal with the clueless.
It's possible to let others know where you stand--and hip
them to your affiliation with the trans-gendered community--without
getting into specific details about who with and how. Once
you gain a little courage in speaking about these issues
generally, you've set the tone for future discussions. That'll
make it easier to come out with personal details later.
Think about moving to a trans-friendly neighborhood, listen
to your son, talk to his teachers about what's going on
at home. If the school system seems unresponsive, consider
changing districts or checking out private schools.
There are many ways to protect your family from prejudice,
and one of the best is to celebrate your relationship with
friends and family. They need your support as much as you
need theirs.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
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-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
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| 5/19/99 |
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-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
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-Do you think it's OK
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gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
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her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
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-My boyfriend
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-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
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| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
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-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
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-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
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|
|
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| 7/14/99 |
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-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
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| 7/28/99 |
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- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
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| 8/4/99 |
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-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
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|
| 8/11/99 |
|
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| 8/18/99 |
|
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| 8/25/99 |
|
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| 9/1/99 |
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| 9/8/99 |
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| 9/15/99 |
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| 9/22/99 |
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| 9/29/99 |
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| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
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| 10/13/99 |
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| 10/20/99 |
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| 10/27/99 |
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| 11/03/99 |
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| 11/10/99 |
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| 11/17/99 |
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| 11/24/99 |
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| 12/01/99 |
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| 12/08/99 |
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| 12/15/99 |
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| 12/22/99 |
|
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| 12/28/99 |
|
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- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
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| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
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| 1/19/00 |
|
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|
| 1/26/00 |
|
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-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
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| 2/9/00 |
|
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| 2/16/00 |
|
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|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
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personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
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| 3/08/00 |
|
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-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
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| 3/22/00 |
|
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| 4/12/00 |
|
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| 4/19/00 |
|
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| 4/26/00 |
|
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| 5/03/00 |
|
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| 5/10/00 |
|
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| 5/17/00 |
|
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| 5/24/00 |
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| 5/31/00 |
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|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
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to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
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encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
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-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
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