Dear Suey,
I am a 22-year-old black male (well, half-black), and I'm
very much attracted to a beautiful Asian lady. I try very
hard to talk to her, but with little success.
I try to be myself around her. I don't say anything stupid
or disrespect her in any way. But she just gives me these
little "one liners." Like when I ask her how her day was,
she says "fine" or "great," then says she has something to
do to end the conversation. I've noticed that she doesn't
have this shyness talking to Caucasian guys. She'll have a
deep conversation with several of them, like they're old friends.
I'm not trying to get upset over this. But I have heard from
my friends and family that Asians tend to have a certain prejudice
towards blacks and trying to pursue any relationship with
one is pointless because they see blacks as uncivilized, ill-mannered
and unable to be faithful or hold a relationship. I'm starting
to think it's me. I really hate people treating me like a
child molester, especially since they don't know anything
about me. I've also noticed that I've never seen any black/Asian
couples here in Oregon, just a lot of white/Asian.
Please help.
-Confused
Dear Confused,
Your friends and relatives are right about one thing: Asians
have a history of prejudice quite equal to anyone else's.
In Asia, Chinese have a thing about Japanese, Japanese take
it out on Koreans, and Asian racism against black people
can be particularly pervasive. In the PRC, some Africans
have been imprisoned for years simply for "looking suspicious,"
while back in the States, some first-gen Asian moms will
rush their children past certain inner city neighborhoods,
complaining of the "smell."
Frankly, it's pathetic.
Of course, not all Asians are knee-jerk racists. Some
feel a friendly solidarity with other ethnicities. Some
Asians are living in Watts and playing the blues, and some
are indeed starting families with black men and women, filling
up suburban tract homes with startlingly adorable kids.
In your life, you'll deal with both types of Asians‹the
ones who will meet you on your own terms and the ones who
will not.
I suppose it's possible the woman you're wooing just doesn't
like you, personally. Or maybe it's not so much race as
social class, musical taste, the shoes you wear, whatever.
Still, you seem to have given this careful thought, so I'll
go along with your assessment: she just doesn't know you.
How could she? As you say, she's too busy blowing off an
imaginary Dangerous Black Man.
I suspect she may be too far gone, but if you want to give
her one last chance, then try talking directly about who
you really are. Put aside courtship for now, and look to
establish a friendship. You may need to explain more about
yourself than you feel you should have to. Talk about the
good grades you're getting, the embarrassing employee-of-the-month
award, the sweet way you treat your kid sister. Mention
offhand that you wrote a letter to WW and got it published‹maybe
she'll be impressed by that.
If this strategy works, then you will have done her an incredible
favor, saving her from a lifetime of monotonous, soul-sucking
intolerance. But if it doesn't, then you've done everything
you can for her and it's time to walk away.
-Suey
Suey Dear...
Each week since its inception I've anticipated the clever
morsels of wisdom offered up in your Dinner Palace of Love.
I've found myself gazing wistfully at the lovely left half
of your face, imagining your response to my dreamt-up question
of the week. (Fortunately, I am blissfully partnered at
the moment.)
This week, however, I am compelled to write because of
my impression that a considerable percentage of the lovelorn
population, with whom I identify, are being overlooked in
your responses.
Specifically, your response to "SWF Seeks Answers" made
some rather huge assumptions regarding the questioner's
sexual orientation. I'm not a member of the PC police, but
a sexually savvy columnist like yourself should be wary
of "filling in the blanks" from a strictly heterosexist
perspective. Please remember to entertain the range of sexual
possibilities in your Dinner Palace of Love. We'd all like
to eat at your table!
-Tip from a Queer Customer
Dear QC,
Thanks for your delightful letter‹I feel most pleasantly chastised.
Love advice columnists need to be careful about falling for
(fill-in-the-blank)ist old tricks of the mind, and I appreciate
the reminder.
While we're on the subject, I'll mention that a certain number
of letter-writers don't say whether they are men, women, virgins,
bi, straight, gay‹or, for that matter, very much about themselves
at all. I hope people will feel free to proudly express who
they are. If you're an Extropian man-slave with 15 cats and
are into communicating with collectivist aliens who call themselves
"she," then let's hear about that; and if you're thinking
you're just a screwed up het-boy and everyone can tell, well,
maybe not. Not that it makes such a big difference in the
grand scheme of things, but we each have our unique experiences,
which tend to make our questions more varied, lively and enjoyable
to read.
-Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
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Willamette Week | originally
published September 22,
1999
|
