Dear Suey,
My lover is a slob. She leaves dirty dishes all over the house
and drops her clothing wherever she likes (actually, that
part I don't mind so much). The irksome thing is that she
accuses me of not doing enough of the housework. I'm no neat-freak,
but I do my fair share. It just doesn't look like it because
she doesn't do anything at all. What do you suggest?
--Lazy Daisy (NOT!)
Dear Daisy,
Laziness is an inborn trait, fixed deep in our genetic
makeup. It prevents us from over-exerting ourselves in
pointless attempts to achieve or succeed. It certainly
does not contribute to the heat-death of the universe,
as some would like us to believe, and, in fact, laziness
may be good for an ecosystem that requires a bit of decay
before rebirth. I'm not being defensive, I'm just stating
facts.
Clearly, neither of you is satisfied with the unruly look,
so hire a house-cleaning service. It's worth the expense
to avoid your local health inspector. And would it kill
you to eat out more often?
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I've been dating a fairly nice gal for going on five months
now. We get along in terms of music but not on food, in
terms of weekend plans but not on spending. Still, we're
compatible enough and she talks about living together
and our future. The trouble is, I've been thinking of
breaking up.
I like this person, and I want us to stay friends. But
she has a lot more invested in the relationship than I
do and right now, I can't say she's the woman of my dreams.
Or is she? My girlfriend thinks I'm commitment-phobic
and maybe she's right about that. We had the big relationship
talk about three days ago; she became very emotional and
we left things unresolved.
I'm not sure what to do next. She wants me to give it one
more try, but I'm fantasizing about moving on. Is there
an easy way to break up with someone without hurting her
feelings? Or should I try to work out my commitment issues
with her, even if I'm not sure (right now) that she's the
one for me?
--Division Street Blues
Dear Divided,
I can understand why you hesitate to break up with someone
who's not ready for it. Depending on her constitution,
she could end up feeling betrayed, depressed, alienated,
maybe develop woman-hating or stalking tendencies, all
as a direct consequence of your rude and anti-social behavior.
Still, what choice do you have? Will you be content to
bury your dreams of passionate love, to pass your time
with darning and advice-column reading for the next five
years until you're both so sick of it you can't think
of anything to talk about, slumped as you soon will be
in a Tiki Lounge booth, the formica ocean between you
growing ever larger? If you've made up your mind to call
things off, might as well get it over with now.
This is how to do it:
1. Be vague. Do you remember the last time someone broke
up with you? That person probably gave out confusing explanations
like "it just doesn't feel right" and "your apartment
is too messy." That's as it should be. It's important
to be honest, but, in fact, the less definable the excuse,
the easier it is on everyone involved, whereas clearly
stated arguments invite commentary, rebuttal and endless
misinterpretation.
2. Be unreasonable. So fine, you have a problem with
commitment in general and commitment to your current girlfriend
in particular. Some relationship partners may try to use
this information in a devious way, arguing that this is
the very reason why you should try even harder to commit.
You must resist such tricky logic.
3. Be resolute. In a breakup, as when you find a small
child at the door selling $5 candy bars to fund a trip
to Euro-Disneyland, you must give up your senseless urge
to accommodate and stick to your principles.
4. Don't "be friends." Breaking up with someone is a
grave insult and a rather poor prelude to friendship.
People who offer that sort of thing look like sociopaths
or phonies. Instead, let her call you. She probably won't.
Wait at least six months, until everyone has forgotten
the other person's birthday and middle name. Then, if
you still want to be friends, reintroduce yourself.
5. Be kind. Karmically speaking, you are the asshole in
a breakup; this is an unavoidable fact. However, if you
can accept your station in life, if you can treat her with
compassion while holding strongly to your decision, then
later on, you won't have to live in so much denial about
what an asshole you were.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is
a gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I choose a relationship
or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or
just her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend feels like
a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with
my ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos can reaffirm your
humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man seeks advice for
courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
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Willamette Week | originally
published July 7, 1999
|
