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Dear Suey, My situation: I'm 31 and my beau is 27; we will have been going out two years this September; and we'll be moving in together later this month. We are compatible, in love and good friends. The problem: We don't have sex enough. Sometimes we only do it once a week. First, let me say it's true what they say about women getting older and more horny. We've talked about this problem several times, and I think living together will help because we will be around each other more--not just in the evenings when we are both tired. I know he adores me, but he's just not grabbing me and throwing me down onto the bed enough. The twist is that I gained about 10-15 lbs because of an injury right after we got together. He reassures me that the extra weight is not affecting his libido, but I know he would never say so if it was because he is so sweet. How can I create a more sexy environment for him to feel randy? How
can I know that it's not because of my cellulite and shapely figure,
which is proportionate but not Hollywood slim? Dear Happy, After the first couple of months, most of us are taking intimacy seminars and finding our fragile lust too easily interrupted by ringing telephones, Y2K and thoughts of the Asian economic crisis. But you two have discovered a dependable--if slow--rhythm that just needs a little fine tuning. I seriously doubt your guy is noticing the extra pounds--fumbling with dim prehistoric urges, he's glad to have you popping out of your clothes. You, on the other hand, get to compare pants sizes with Heidi Klum and make distended dog-belly poses in the overlit department-store dressing room mirror. If the extra weight makes you feel less sexy, then go to a yoga class for your own peace of mind. You don't have to lose weight so much as to rearrange it into postures that satisfy you. Of course, the downside to working out is that your libido will probably zoom up again. It may cross your mind that you wouldn't be having sex right now if you hadn't just gotten off an exercise bike and tossed him onto the kitchen table. Still, as my mom likes to say, it doesn't matter who started it. If he's kissing back, he wants you. Sex isn't really for finding out whether you're svelte enough, lovable
enough, mentally balanced or coy enough. It's more like something that
happens when the day is warm, his jokes are bad and an odd little spark
unsettles you both. Let yourself be seduced by the peculiarity of your
lives and the funny way he makes French toast. Give him the eye and
try to make him blush. See if that leads to something else. Dear Suey, Now she says she's moving back in town, with a fiancé in tow.
I'm not sure I'll be able to keep up pretenses when I see them together.
I wanted to be that fiancé, and I think I still do. Should I
tell her how I feel? Dear Chance, Instead, I recommend you take this opportunity to get over your long-lost love. The first couple of times you see her and her new man together will be the most painful, and you will have to resist the urge to push your plate of spaghetti into their laps. But then it gets easier. You'll stop feeling like you're lying when you say they look happy together. You'll introduce them to your new friends. You'll ask him if he's found interesting work yet and what he thinks of Elizabeth Dole's chances, and then you'll ask her to pass the salt. I promise you, there's nothing to make you lose interest like watching all her irritating habits play themselves out with an unsuspecting stranger. Especially when she's doing it in a 50-foot veil, and he's trying not to scratch under his cummerbund, and the band has just started hacking its way through the wedding march even though the lead trumpeter has allergies. At that moment, you will realize that all is right with the world, and you didn't need to say anything after all. --Suey
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