Dear Suey,
If anyone in this town needs your help, it's me. I'm a student,
and last semester I worked at the little coffee shop on
campus with the most incredible girl I have ever met. She
and I always had a fabulous time working together, and my
shift with her was the highlight of my week.
So, through a middleman, she and I know that there are
mutual feelings between us. Sounds ideal. However, there
are some roadblocks, and they are doozies. She lives in
Seattle. She's spending next semester abroad and leaves
in two weeks. And--the grand finale--I have been queer-identified
for the past two years, and just got out of a long relationship
with a guy.
She's the only girl who turns my head, the only one that
I could even see myself being with. What does this mean?
Can you be bi for just one person? As if my sexuality weren't
confusing enough, there is the social aspect of this as
well. I'm out in my circle of friends, and something of
a gay mascot. They call me "Big Gay (insert my name here)."
I have a gay theme song, for Christ's sake! How will my
friends react? I somehow feel like I'd be letting them down.
What do I do? Road trip to Seattle for an all-night talk
à la Before Sunrise? Let it lie until she
gets back? Call it a mere crush and forget it? Please impart
some wisdom before I get so frustrated that I join a monastery.
--Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing) Barista
Dear Straight-Curious,
For every graduating class of more than 5,000, at least
one lesbian will fall in love with a straight boy, then
spend the rest of her senior year writing an honors thesis
on the changing face of radical feminism and her experiences
as a gay person in the straight community. I guess it could
happen to gay guys, too.
Time for a roadtrip. Change the kitty litter, fill up the
water dish--and don't worry about the friends back home.
As long as you feed them daily reports and provide them
plenty to talk about, they won't hold it against you.
Dear Suey,
I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for over
12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next level.
He's my best friend and we talk all the time; I believe
that we truly love each other. But I'm not sure we ever
had "romance" together, a time when we both felt sure of
each other and committed.
Right now, we're split up because he wants to experiment
sexually. That makes sense; our sex before the latest breakup
was incredibly unsatisfying. But I'm 34 now, and I'm ready
to have kids. I just don't know how to get over him, and
I don't know how to stay with him either. Being with other
men isn't the same and, after spending my entire adult life
with him, I can't imagine being without him.
--Is This What It's Supposed To Be Like?
Dear ITWISTBL,
A love affair doesn't end, just because
you're sick and tired of it. After 12 years of noodling
with various relationship parameters, you've probably decided
that it's not what you expected, not what you wanted, not
one of those relationships where you suddenly realize you
both hate red onion and dry martinis and grin at each other
like long-lost twins who share a happily noncommittal stance
on inbreeding. You've probably analyzed each other's family
patterns, attempted romantic camping vacations, watched
8 1/2 or 9 1/2 Weeks together at least 10
1/2 times. You've looked for clues in newspaper horoscopes
and episodes of Friends; you've established movie
rituals, toothpaste etiquette and all the other signifiers
of romantic bonding. And still, it's not enough.
But after 12 years, you must have a pretty good sense for
what keeps you together also. Sit yourself down with a pen
and paper and dwell on these aspects. List them out and
pick them apart; think about what you need to do to keep
them alive in your relationship. Do you need a pledge from
him that he'll donate sperm if you haven't had a kid by
age 42? Do you need to live next door to each other but
not downstairs? Do you need Friday-night pool or a pledge
never to use the term "cosmic bunny" with anyone else?
If you can find a way to appreciate what you have with
him, it might be easier to let that be enough. At least,
it might give you the confidence to start looking again
for everything that's been missing, whether it's with someone
else or not. Desire takes many forms, and it's not always
a disappointment.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
| 7/04/00 |
|
- I met this wonderful girl... |
| 7/12/00 |
|
-I'm a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
|
| 7/19/00 |
|
- Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches? |
|
