Dear Suey,
Here's the deal. Age. Big problem. I'm 19 but have been
out of school and living on my own for many years (long story,
but not a negative one), and I now work as a support analyst
for a technology service company. Suffice it to say, I don't
"act" my age (I hate that term), which isn't just arrogance
on my part.
Every girl I've ever met--that is, every OLDER girl I've
ever met--immediately upon finding out my "real" age (I
can avoid the issue only so long) has gone cold on me, ditched
me, forgotten about me or worse. Of course, I'm generally
not attracted to girls my own age because they tend not
to be as mature.
--Ninety Trapped in Nineteen
Dear Trapped,
You're 19. Of course it's a problem. Older people don't
trust you with your hormones because you've only had them
for three years. The age problem will resolve itself shortly,
that is, when you turn 20. Eventually, you may find yourself
turning 25 or maybe even 28. Suddenly, you'll realize that
the difference in emotional maturity between a soon-to-be
29-year-old and a once-was-19-year-old is a lot smaller
than you hoped. This crumb of insight (that the last 10
years didn't change anything) is a more accurate marker
of experience; it lets us give up our preconceptions about
maturity and just date whomever--even people in our own
godawful age group.
So, yes, despite a lease agreement and interview skills,
you're still very young. And although attitudes are quickly
changing, women historically have dated older men. Plan
for your future and know that someday, these will seem like
good things.
In the meantime, you can take evening classes. Most people
remember college as the best dating scene they ever had.
There are plenty of common experiences to bond over--everyone
hates the registrar's office, everyone sits in the same
lime-green lecture hall and everyone looks fantastic, especially
compared to Professor Greenblatt. You really don't want
to miss out on this haven of sexual revelry.
I suppose you could try the engineering or finance department
first. You seem a sober young man, inclined toward statistical
analysis, so you must have noticed by now that most people
would rather poke a stick in their eye than talk about spreadsheets.
Female ledger enthusiasts do exist, but if you find one,
she's probably in the economics library.
On the other hand, if you want to broaden your search,
why not take an art history class or a creative-writing
seminar? The female-to-male ratio is excellent, and you'll
learn a little about what many women care about. College
can provide you with a sense of our shared culture--exactly
what you need to talk to girls. Unlike us older folk, you
have a lot of brain cells left. You still have a chance
to understand women.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I've been chatting online with someone I know only through
e-mail. Is it better to meet right away or after you've
sniffed each other out pretty thoroughly for strange (possibly
dangerous) behavior? He's local, so it's just a matter of
timing.
--Cyber Virgin
Dear CV,
Popular opinion suggests that you meet an e-mail pal in
"realtime" ASAP--you minimize emotional investment that
way. Digital text won't reveal much about physical chemistry
or whether he washes with the right kind of soap, for example.
Dawdling feels safer but has its consequences: That e-mail
white space begs to be filled with something entertaining,
and you may find yourselves confessing the fantasies and
personal truths you wouldn't tell your favorite therapist.
By the time you introduce yourselves, you'll know way too
much about each other.
Full disclosure can often have the reverse of the intended
effect by making everyone feel shy. Think back on that first
meeting with Aunt Zelda's new boyfriend over Thanksgiving
dinner, before you exchanged business cards but after your
mom filled you in on the Florida hotel-room fiasco. It's
hard to look a stranger in the eye, knowing what you do
about the zebra-striped bed sheets.
In general, most find it easier to assess the emotional
damage in person and early on. Safety first: You might suggest
coffee or drinks at some highly trafficked yet nonsexual
venue. That way, at least you get a mochaccino for your
trouble.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is
a gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I choose a relationship
or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or
just her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend feels like
a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with
my ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos can reaffirm your
humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man seeks advice for
courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have
sex enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting
married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
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Willamette Week | originally
published August 11,
1999
|
