Dear Suey,
My boyfriend is such a sweetheart when he's with me, but when
he's out with his guy friends, he turns into a total pig.
I overhear them rating women on the street, and it's always
"her butt's too big" or "I made her look down." I ask him
not to do it, but he says it's just to be one of the boys.
I am so sick of this junior high school behavior. What should
I do?
--Girl on the Street
Dear Girl,
Dump him. You win both ways: If he changes, then the world
is a better place and you can even think about taking him
back. Otherwise, he's not your problem anymore.
Dear Suey,
It has always seemed to be tradition to get married, have
kids and settle down to raise a family. I'm 34 years old,
I have absolutely no feelings or desire to settle down
with one woman, have kids and raise a family--none whatsoever.
I don't like kids at all, and as for being with women, white
women are out of the question (and yes, I'm white also). I
strictly love African-American women and Asian women. But
finding that caliber of woman here in the Northwest, who loves
white guys and who just wants a non-committing, "let's get
together and have great sex" friendship is not all that easy.
I'm not into the bar scene anymore (a little on the shy side)
and I don't do much anymore other than multiple concerts every
year (15-plus) with my friends, and work. Am I wrong to think
like this, or am I just the world's biggest ass?
--Confused, Alone and Looking
Dear CAL,
You may indeed be the world's biggest ass, but as long as
you don't mind, neither do I. The foolish dater features prominently
in all our favorite office-cooler stories about last night's
big salsa-dancing disaster and finds a way into 87 percent
of all romantic comedies. When opinionated gawkers, moms and
ex-one night stands try to bring you down, just remember,
you're fulfilling an important role in the functioning of
a lame-date-hungry society.
However, I can't say any of this bodes well for your long-term
(or even short-term) dating happiness. You've seriously pigeon-holed
yourself in quite a number of ways:
1) Casual sex between friends is not a big highlight of the
current era. Childhood dreams die hard, I know, but the '70s
happened a long time ago and it seems most people have forgotten
how to do it (with serial monogamy the main exception).
2) Many Asian and African-American women don't like to be
sexualized for no other reason than their genetic racial makeup;
they find it gross or at least kind of yucky. Unfortunately
for you, their European-American women friends will probably
cover for them as they rush off to the bathrooms to hide.
Of course, a few gals do have white-man fetishes and if you
can find one, it might work out. But we're talking about a
tiny fraction of what is already a minority population, which
leads me to the next point:
3) You live in Portland.
Get a grip, man; the odds are better for Keno. If you're
determined to have your dream and keep it too, well, you better
put in the extra effort. Maybe you could move to a city with
a better racial balance. Or you could join a Korean Baptist
church or find a parking space at Dishman. The "friendship"
angle you mention is a good one: You're more likely to find
happiness if you get to know a gal as an individual; if you're
also able to appreciate her culture, well, that's very nice
too. And don't worry too much about marriage just yet. You
don't have to lie about your feelings about marriage or about
her; not every girl is looking to get married. And whether
she wants to marry you in particular is another issue entirely.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
| 7/04/00 |
|
- I met this wonderful girl... |
| 7/12/00 |
|
-I'm a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
|
| 7/19/00 |
|
- Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches? |
| 7/26/00 |
|
-I think
I'm Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing)
-I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for
over 12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next
level. |
| 8/2/00 |
|
- I'm 32, just divorce, and dating a guy who's 25.
Is there something wrong with what I'm doing??
- I am older and therefore wiser. Your readers are
naive. I'll help you set them straight.
|
| 8/9/00 |
|
-Just when I had lost all hope in men, I met the most amazing guy.
-I'm thinking about contacting a dominatrix. Any advice on how to present myself? |
|
