Dear Suey,
I wonder if you can help me out. My boyfriend is what you
could call a "sensitive New Age guy." He says he fell in love
with me at first sight and is pretty hurt that I can't say
the same. I think my boy is special; I just don't believe
in love at first sight. I mean, I did pick him out from across
a crowded room, nearly tripped over myself to get to his side
of the fruit platter, asked him out for our first cup of coffee--as
far as I can tell, I pursued him. But I believe
you have to get to know a person before you can truly say
you love them, and now I wonder if he knows me at all. What
do you think? Am I blowing this out of proportion, or is our
difference a serious flaw in the relationship?
--The Practical One
Dear Practical,
This nation's mania for sensible relationships is ruining
my sense of romance. Of course you're right, you should
get to know a person before committing to a lifetime of
shared housing payments and joint custody of the pets--it
says so in all the psychology, relationships and self-help
books.
But nobody wants their amorous feelings challenged by common
sense. Making love talk to a SNAG requires poetry, not analysis
or good planning. It requires a metaphorical mindset that
transcends time, space and clear thought--it's something
you would have learned in summer camp making string sculptures,
if only funding for the arts hadn't been cut so drastically.
So, for example:
When he says, "I fell in love with you the first time I
met you," you say, "I knew there was something special about
you from the very beginning and that I wanted to know you
better."
When he says, "I think we've been together throughout all
time and in many past reincarnations," you say, "We're so
lucky to have found each other. I've been searching for
someone like you all my life."
And then, when he says, "Come, sacred treasure of my ruby
third eye, let's go to Thailand to find inner peace," you
say, "Cool! I've been wanting a vacation."
See what I'm getting at here? You don't have to change
your belief systems for him, but you don't have to demonstrate
the validity of Western empirical science for him, either.
Instead, you just want to appreciate the whole crazy way
he feels about you and hope he can do likewise. Love has
many names, including "snugglebunny," "soulmate" and "the
bitch who has me by the balls." In an ideal romance, we
exchange our terms of endearment freely and accept them
without complaint.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
My boyfriend prides himself on his fashion sense, and luckily,
he's got the money and physique to pull it off. Apparently,
however, I am not so blessed. He is constantly giving me
advice on what to buy and what to wear; last week, he had
the nerve to suggest a new "exercise routine" to me. I'm
no potato sack-wearer, and I'm very proportionate. But he
complains that since we started dating, I don't take care
of my appearance. Some part of me wonders whether it's true.
I started a new job, my schedule is crazy, and I don't have
as much time for myself.
But if I have an ugly look on my face, I think it's because
he's driving me insane.
--Pretty Peeved
Dear Pretty,
Some men are good at shopping; you shouldn't try to compete
with them on that level. Instead, put your man to work.
If you approve of your boyfriend's tastes, let him clear
out space in your closet and scour the women's department
for you. You don't have to wear anything he brings
home, but he might get a kick out of seeing something new
in the shoe rack. After an exhausting day at the office,
put your stockinged feet up on his coffee table, ask him
to mix up a gin and tonic when he gets a chance, and let
him decide which gym you should join.
But if you're turning a little green from staring into
the cathode-ray tube, do take time to eat, sleep and exercise
anyway. My dad likes to tell his kids about the incredible
benefits of fruit, vegetables and Chinese food. So far,
he's still alive to nag us about it.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK to break up with
a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should I choose a relationship
or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend feels like a
pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos can reaffirm your
humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man seeks advice for
courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19, but I only like older
women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published August 25,
1999
|
