Dear Suey,
My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, which is fine.
Although I'm not particularly turned on by it, I don't mind
the thong. She has a nice ass that looks good no matter
what she does with it, and if she feels empowered by her
thong, that's OK by me. Lately, though, she's been asking
me to wear a thong also. What's up with that? I think I
look ridiculous in a thong, and the idea of wearing one
makes me feel "uncomfortable" (i.e., "girlish"). I know
it's practically the year 2000, but the thong is not my
style. Am I wrong to refuse every time my girlfriend insists?
--Thong-Impaired Lover
Dear Thong,
As an article of clothing, the thong is functionally useless.
It does not protect your tender rear from gravel; it does
not keep the bugs from biting. It does not protect your
backside from cruel remarks at the local gym, and it does
nothing to obscure an overly square butt. If form is meant
to follow function, then let us remember that a simple grass
skirt will also obscure panty lines. Of course you feel
ridiculous in a thong; by wearing one, you leave yourself
vulnerable and exposed to the elements. It's difficult not
to feel girlish when that happens.
But the thong deserves a second look. As an item of decoration,
the thong is a postmodern marvel. It shocks and titillates
with its strategic non-coverage. It frames a cheeky and
curvaceous history of aerobics classes, presidential scandals,
European vacations and courtroom drama (see http://www.salon.com/it/acad/1999/03/08acad.html).
Thongs are culturally relevant; they fire the imagination.
The very disregard for practical considerations is a subversion
of both social dicta and the natural world. Some chicks
dig that.
Look, all underwear is absurd and shameful and a bizarre
phenomenon of acculturation, and the only reason you're
clinging to your boxers with the tiny hearts on them is
because you're used to them. Give thongs a try, or else
maybe let your girlfriend talk dirty to you about them.
Tell her you'll wear them only if she buys you a dozen power
tools. Let yourselves experiment. Remember, you won't have
to keep anything on for very long, and eventually, you might
find some novel arrangement that arouses you both.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I have been romantically dormant all my life, focusing on
my education and personal growth. The result is that I've
read too many books and traveled all over the world, but
I feel like a social outcast when I go to places like the
mall or fast-food restaurants. I know that I am missing
out, missing out on something that could be wonderful.
But other times, I feel so serene sitting by myself or
helping others that I would not wish for anything more.
I can imagine myself very content as an old bachelor. Is
my lack of interest really that bad? Most people around
me think so.
--Monk Apprentice
Dear MA,
As a fellow monk wannabe, I can certainly understand the
impulse to avoid shopping, fast food and dating. For some,
the mall is not ironic or funny but rather the incarnation
of evil, spewing forth a toxic bounty of ill-fitting shoes
and sweatshop capris. The local burger joint is nothing
less than a modern-day salt mine, with its uncanny machine-formed
food patties and mind-numbingly repetitive Rugrats displays.
Dating can be worse. Fear of rejection, venereal disease
and dancing tends to ruin the chances for intelligent discussion
on St. Augustine. And how are you supposed to learn about
someone new when you're obsessing on their butterfly clips
in the blacklight?
I agree: It's much easier to avoid the question of physical
intimacy.
Don't worry about what your friends say. Modern-day chastity
is very Utne Reader, the high-end New Age solution
to courtship discomfort. It's not just for Promise Keepers
any more--it's also for upper-middle-class professionals
who want to simplify their relationships at work and spend
more time on civic duties. Without the option of sex, everyone
relaxes. Friendships recapture the sweetness and intensity
of childhood; physical touch becomes complete in itself.
Chastity still has a certain moral authority. If you can't
shame your friends into silence with your hip, iconoclastic
lifestyle, then change the subject and ask if they've gotten
over Shannon at the Automart yet.
But just between us, are you sure this is what you really
want? Love-advice columnists fear unemployment, and chastity
seems too easy a solution to the world's dating woes. Wouldn't
you rather get unrequitedly involved with some medieval-lit
brat in the English department? Everyone needs something
to feel passionate about, something that disturbs the serenity
and breaks the cycle of books and bachelorhood. It doesn't
have to be a date, but find out what that something is--soon.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published September 8,
1999
|
