Dear Suey,
After coming out of an eight-year relationship and taking
a year off, I started seeing a man about a month and a half
ago. I was crazy about him from the start (dare I say in love?),
and things appeared to be going really well. The sex was great,
and we had fun and what seemed to be mutual admiration for
the work and independence of the other.
Well, it all fell apart two weeks ago when I used the word
"herpes" to describe a cold sore on my face. (All cold sores
are herpes, by the way, and I didn't think anything of using
the term.) He abruptly excused himself for the evening.
When finally we spoke again the next day, he was very angry
that I "had" herpes and didn't tell him, as if I was keeping
some nasty secret from him. I felt like I was being attacked
for something I didn't think was wrong. By the end of the
conversation, it was declared that there was no solution
to this and that we should end the relationship.
After spending a week being really upset, I actually started
to miss his company and wondered whether it was right to
end something that seemed so good over a really stupid fight.
So I asked him if we could talk about what happened. He
said he would e-mail a reply. Nothing. I e-mailed again.
Still no reply.
I don't know if he is emotionally inept, if he's not capable
of apologizing, if he doesn't really want a relationship
or if he truly needs this much time to respond! Do I pursue
this or let it go? I'm also afraid that after living with
my ex for seven years, I may be more intrigued by the idea
of having a partner and a warm body in my bed than anything
else. What do you think?
--Totally Baffled
Dear Baffled,
Yes, it's true, cold sores are a form of herpes. And did
you know that--according to Ray Fowler, M.D., bonsai enthusiast
and herpes advice columnist for herpes.org--"an estimated
90 percent of humans experience oral herpes infections by
the age of 10 years old"?
That's a lot of people with herpes. By the time people
become sexually active, many have also contracted chickenpox,
fallen off their bikes and had their front teeth fall out
at least once. Public-health tragedies abound, and yet,
right or wrong, there are certain kinds of medical information
that people don't feel obligated to divulge to their sex
partners.
So what's a scourge-conscious citizen to do? In order to
avoid all such contaminants as much as possible, I recommend
complete social isolation. That means no sex, no business
lunches, no late-night movies. No kissing, no hand-holding,
no breathy germ-filled conversations over breakfast. Also
avoid birds, mosquitoes and tall grass. Avoid inhaling in
public areas if possible. Solo TV-watching is permitted.
Admittedly, this is an extreme solution. Most people will
seek to minimize certain risks rather than eliminate all
of them. Such a strategy requires education (rather than
hysteria) to help distinguish between the life-threatening
risks and the ones that mostly cause misunderstandings.
Condoms, dental dams and a fresh piece of plastic wrap help,
too. You might mention such alternatives to your guy in
whatever is your typical, supportive, non-judgmental way.
And now for the icky stuff: Before you call (and I recommend
an unavoidable phone call rather than an easy-to-delete
e-mail message), think about why you're contacting him.
Is it to assert your superior rationality? But I've already
done that for you. Is it to remind him of his emotional
ineptitude? If you're right, he won't be able to handle
the news. The only sensible reason to get back in his life
is because, well, you want to get back in his life. Keep
it simple, stick to the point and tell him that's why you're
calling.
--Suey
Hi Suey Chow,
I don't have a question about how to deal with my fetish
for circus clowns or what to do about my life-endangering
obsession with having sex while operating heavy machinery
or why I feel strangely attracted to Sally Jesse Raphael.
I just want to compliment you on your column.
By the way, being that you are so wise to the ways of love
and relationships, I'd guess that you have nothing but perfect
relationships with the people you date. Either that or you
don't have them at all. What is the reality of it, Suey
Chow (if you don't mind my asking)?
--Bill Bunn No. 1
Dear No. 1,
Perhaps you would like to judge my track record for yourself:
Age 14: First boyfriend (turned out to be gay)
Age 15: First kiss (left me for another teenager)
Age 16: First philosophy grad student (parents found out)
Age 17: First menage à trois (turned against
each other)
Well, it gets a little embarrassing after that. As I have
discovered, there are no perfect relationships, only perfect
lovers.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published September 15,
1999
|
