Dear Suey,
I started playing out some of my fantasies with my lover in
the last year, partly because he encourages it and gets turned
on when I talk about them. It's been disturbing. The sex ranges
from silly to alienating to profoundly intense, but that's
not the problem. Emotionally, I feel dead. It's as if I've
lost respect for myself. I wouldn't say I'm repulsed by anything
we've done together, but I haven't experienced the feeling
of love for a long time and I wonder if I ever will again.
That feeling used to be very important to me. Any thoughts?
--Girl Toy
Dear Girl,
If it's not working for you, then stop doing it. The question
is, why haven't you stopped already? We all make decisions
to try new things based on a mix of fact and fantasy; it's
impossible to know how things are really going to turn out
until we try them. And yet our culture encourages us to persevere
in our dreams and act on every impulse, no matter how lame
or ill-conceived. It's understandable: who can resist the
lure of motivational seminars and judicious use of that peppy
Macerena theme song? That's why America is mainly populated
by discontented astronauts popping Prozac and living with
bitter trash-talking ballerinas in Tahitian-themed geodesic
domes. That's why tabloid advice columnists with low self-esteem
hairdos are allowed to print their unusable opinions every
week. That's why game shows seem so real, and why Chuck Woolery,
Dick Clark and Al Gore are indistinguishable in our motivationally
addled minds.
Some fantasies are so pervasive and convincing, we refuse
to abandon them, even when they fail to satisfy. But we have
the right to change our minds. We outgrow certain desires
and aren't quite ready to act on others. In your case, I wonder
if you're using your partner's interest to hurry along your
own, using fantasies because everyone else is, or perhaps
using them to keep him on the hook. You haven't described
your fantasies, but they might be less a problem than your
exploitative approach. Talk honestly with your partner about
your experiences and give him a chance to comfort you; there's
a good chance he never meant to push you into anything and
will tell you so. That kind of reassurance might be enough
to let you satisfy your fantasies more fully--emotionally,
sexually and ethically; or it might give you the courage to
put the act on hold.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I'm the proud mother of a 7-year-old girl
and 4-year-old boy. They are both extraordinary in every way,
but last weekend, our son gave us cause to worry. As I prepared
my daughter for a ballet recital, I painted her nails as a
special treat. My son asked for nail polish too. I explained
that nail polish is only for girls, to which he insisted,
"I'm a girl too!"
After much argument, we finally painted the boy's toenails
but I'm not sure we did the right thing. I believe there is
a place for clear distinctions between male and female, and
I don't want to confuse my children. Is there something special
I should be doing to explain the difference?
--Mother of Two
Dear Mom,
It's a well-known fact that as we adult-types slip into our
enfeebled thirties, and then our practically pulseless forties
and braindead fifties, our children will only grow stronger,
more cunning, more monstrous every day. You must accept the
reality that someday, they will be teenagers and, even worse,
college kids with god-like powers of self-will; by the time
they too fall prey to aging, you will be too senile to know
it.
By this I mean to say, if your child is determined to grow
up gay, transgendered, a "sissy" or challenge to the status
quo, there probably isn't much you can do to change that.
You could poke fun, humiliate him, impose strict rules or
crossdressing punishments, all of which could probably lay
the groundwork for future insecurities and complexes. Even
so, power struggles and punishment probably won't alter the
basic facts of his gender and sexual orientation.
Luckily, playing with other people's stuff is quite normal
for kids his age--it doesn't mean he doesn't know the difference.
Just as girls can plan neighborhood espionage missions with
their brothers and still grow up to be female-identified army
reservists with husbands and townhomes, so can boys play dress
up with their sisters and become terribly successful creative
directors with wives and townhomes.
I think it's all right to allow your son a chance to participate
in his sister's activities and vice versa; it's good training
for later dealings with the opposite sex, plus it keeps them
from playing Nintendo. In any case, kids have a strong sense
of justice and will call you out on any unfair treatment;
at a time when girls can explore a wide range of behavior
and still be respected as girls, it only seems fair to give
boys the same respect.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
| 12/28/99 |
|
-Should I get
back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? |
| 1/5/00 |
|
-My
phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's
fiancée |
| 1/12/00 |
|
-I think I'm addicted
to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser |
| 1/19/00 |
|
-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible
|
| 1/26/00 |
|
-Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness |
| 2/2/00 |
|
-It's
Desperate Hunky Man Week! |
| 2/9/00 |
|
-Is making out with a
drunk friend a bad idea? |
| 2/16/00 |
|
-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.
|
| 2/23/00 |
|
-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been
married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the
personals?
|
| 3/01/00 |
|
-My
boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate
sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day? |
| 3/08/00 |
|
-What
should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages? |
| 3/15/00 |
|
-I love
performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler. |
| 3/22/00 |
|
-My
girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want
another right now? |
| 4/12/00 |
|
-I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love. |
| 4/19/00 |
|
-My
ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling.
I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time? |
| 4/26/00 |
|
-My guy's
so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair
with an older man |
| 5/03/00 |
|
-I'm an
ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only
fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend. |
| 5/10/00 |
|
-Suey
hears from the virgins |
| 5/17/00 |
|
-What
do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar
and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to
get women in bed? |
| 5/24/00 |
|
-I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird. |
| 5/31/00 |
|
-Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
|
| 6/7/00 |
|
-"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative,
religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem
to be my specialty. |
| 6/14/00 |
|
-My
best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual
encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained,
what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers
and all that? |
| 6/21/00 |
|
- There's
this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually
date or have casual sex? |
| 6/28/00 |
|
-I'm involved in a relationship
that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed? |
| 7/04/00 |
|
- I met this wonderful girl... |
| 7/12/00 |
|
-I'm a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
|
| 7/19/00 |
|
- Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches? |
| 7/26/00 |
|
-I think
I'm Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing)
-I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for
over 12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next
level. |
| 8/2/00 |
|
- I'm 32, just divorce, and dating a guy who's 25.
Is there something wrong with what I'm doing??
- I am older and therefore wiser. Your readers are
naive. I'll help you set them straight.
|
| 8/9/00 |
|
-Just when I had lost all hope in men, I met the most amazing guy.
-I'm thinking about contacting a dominatrix. Any advice on how to present myself? |
| 8/16/00 |
|
-My boyfriend is such a sweetheart when he's with me, but when he's out with
his guy friends, he turns into a total pig.
-The world's biggest ass
|
| 8/23/00 |
|
-A year
ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years with another
woman. How can I fix this? He is freaking out.
-Oh Ms. Chow, in this case you're wrong |
| 8/30/00 |
|
-When do you tell someone you're dating that you have
hepatitis?
|
| 9/6/00 |
|
-Clueless
fellow in deeply sordid situation
-I'm beginning to suspect a connection between chemical
dependency and emotional dependency, or maybe between
fitness and emotional independence.
-Is there any way to turn down a bridesmaid offer without
offending? |
| 9/13/00 |
|
-My wife doesn't want to have sex anymore
-I used to be in the sex service profession, should I tell the man I'm about to marry?
|
|
