Dear Suey,
I'm involved with a kind and decent man who has always
been there for me through thick and thin--through financial
hardship, oral surgery, a car accident, art school, grad school,
the works. We've been seeing each other for almost seven years
now, so it's time to think about a more permanent commitment.
But I'm not sure. The sex is fine, sometimes bordering on
incredible, but when I'm around this person in day-to-day
situations, I still feel like I'm on my best behavior, like
I'm still playacting the girlfriend he wants me to be. It's
hard to imagine a domestic life, and frankly I often feel
quite lonely even when we're together (which I don't when
I'm alone!). And, OK--the main gripe--he doesn't like my artwork.
It's my fault. I pressed him about it, and he admitted
that he finds the work depressing, sarcastic and self-indulgent.
I don't know why I'm making a big deal out of this; he never
claimed to be a connoisseur, and my professors trained me
to deal with criticism. Still, it makes me wonder what he
sees in me. Am I a brat to throw away this perfectly decent
man?
My friends tell a lot of dating horror stories.
--Arty-Smarty Party Pooper
Dear Arty,
He doesn't love your art? Your life's passion? Your whole
reason for existence? No wonder you're upset. Love means
unconditional support for neorealist knitting and textile
experiments. It means endless fascination with artistic
processes such as sulking in bed, enduring creative paralysis
and spitting on bad reviews. If I've said it once, I've
said it a million times: Those who do not appreciate the
visionary power of my abstract-expressionist waffle-making
skills will not be getting follow-up e-mail from me.
Frankly, I don't know of any relationship that has survived
a conversation that starts with "Why are all the salt shakers/rock
songs/spoken-word pieces/art works/video games you make
so negative?" But then again, you have good sex--that's
worth trying to save. Maybe you could try a heart-to-heart.
Talk about your favorite artists, why they inspire you,
what they mean to your own work. When he says, "But that
green is kind of pukey," indulge the comment, then gently
remind him who the expert is with your insightful analysis
of his remark. It's time to get serious. Show your true
colors, and see if he can handle that. His reactions might
surprise you. --Suey
Dear Suey,
My girlfriend is a maniac on the road and refuses to let
me drive. She guns the engine, weaves in traffic, cuts people
off and then flips them the bird. I tried explaining the
two-second rule and the principles of defensive driving
to her, but she always blames the other drivers.
Honestly, I'm hoping that she gets her license suspended
soon; I believe she is a real and serious threat to everyone.
The weird thing is, she's a nice person otherwise. Any advice?
--White Knuckles
Dear Knuckles,
Sounds like your girlfriend is in denial about her own
aggressive tendencies. Some of us never learn the vicious
thrill of javelin throwing, heavy artillery, flamenco dancing
or combustion engines. In our attempt to be civilized, we
prevent ourselves from breaking dishes just for the fun
of watching them splinter, and certainly Martha Stewart
would prefer the smooth stylings of 'N Sync over punk rock.
Life loses its fury but certainly seems safe enough.
These people, the ones who refuse to take any pleasure
in a violent act, are the most dangerous of all. Impotent
rage is the only thing they know; they refuse to acknowledge
their own destructive power. For them, a car is not a 6-ton
tank forged of molten steel and fueled by supercharged gas
explosions but rather an everyday utensil with no more significance
than an eggbeater.
In order to accept responsibility for our own dangerous
behavior, we have to be willing to experience the pleasure
and the power in it. No, I don't think driving your girlfriend
to all her appointments is going to solve the problem--it'll
only make her feel more constrained and girlie. Better to
teach her how to swing a golf club, swear at her co-workers
or pound the table so the silverware jumps. Once she discovers
safe ways to explore and express her potency, I suspect
her driving will get safer. In the meantime, have a knock-down,
top-of-the-lungs fight about it, because you are absolutely
right: Driving is a death-defying activity.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published September 22,
1999
|
