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BY SUEY CHOW

If you have a question, write to me at:
Suey Chow
Willamette Week
822 SW 10th Ave.
Portland, OR 97205
e-mail:sueychow@pobox.com


Read previous Dinner Palace of Love columns.


Dear Suey,
I recently began seeing a man who's been divorced for almost a year. The catch is, he's the ex-husband of a close friend. Their divorce was relatively amicable (I've seen much worse), and they used to be on speaking terms. But since we've been dating, my friend has cut off both of us. I sympathize with her feelings and I've tried to apologize, but she hangs up the phone every time I call. She's always been neurotically obsessed with everyone's loyalty anyway, but I feel terrible and I miss our friendship.

Is there any way I can renew our friendship?

--Scum of the Earth

Dear Scum,
Leave the poor girl alone. Stop with your well-adjusted happiness and excellent self-esteem. Must every woman maintain healthy relationships with her no-good double-crossing lunatic exes and their flings? Whatever happened to wallowing and revenge and other Jacobean values like that?

Likewise, can't you feel even a little good about finally showing up that neurotically obsessed ex-girlfriend of yours, the one who bored you with stories of her never-ending divorce and her inability to sustain decent human relationships even with her therapist? Why must you carry the burden of good taste and sensible dating habits all the time? This is your chance to shine as an irresponsible hussy--don't let anyone get in the way of that.

I suspect that after you and she have been through a couple more boyfriends, you may be able to find common ground again. In the meantime, enjoy the morally questionable sex with your rebounding divorcé. It's gonna be great.

--Suey

Dear Suey,
I was asked out by one of my guy friends. I was gonna say "no," but I know that he is romantic and I wanted to spend time with him. So, after three days I said "yes." But there's a problem. I am going back to my own country at the end of October--my parents won't let me to stay here alone. When I told him about this, he decided not to go out with me after all. And suddenly, he started to talked about his experiences. He said that after having sex with his girlfriends, he dumps them and that I will be like them if I go out with him.

Even though he is gonna dump me after having sex, I still want go out with him. I want to spend time with him until I go back to my country. I don't understand him. The way he asked me out was very romantic, and he was very serious about being my boyfriend. It was the greatest way of asking me out in my life. I am very disappointed now.

Do you think I can still go out with him?

--Essie

Dear Essie,
There's a reason why so many of us do not get involved with American teenage boys (besides the legal ones), and that's because ATBs are very confusing. They are the modern Doris Day of the American dating scene, so earnest and straightforward, always with their cute gangly hearts worn over cuffed jeans, and yet it can be very difficult to understand what they're talking about, especially when they don't know what they're trying to say.

Here's the confusing part: Just because he likes you, that doesn't mean he's going to date you. Why are boys so confusing about that? Another shot in the dark: It could be he's intimidated by an international teenage girl (ITG), a person who has a life and existence beyond his world of drag racing and dead-end Quickie Mart jobs. He may feel undone, unable to follow you into your suave intercontinental lifestyle, your soon-to-be brilliant career at Tokyo University or perhaps the World Congress. Only one thing is certain in today's global economy: that you will certainly abandon him by the end of October. He'll have nothing left to comfort him but the empty joy of tractor pulls and Rose Parades and tiny scraps of email from overseas.

As you note, your ATB is the romantic sort. But we Americans are not the type to respond courageously in the face of doomed love affairs. Try not to worry about it. Enjoy the rest of your time with him, whether he's a friend or boyfriend or something in between.

Read Marguerite Duras, walk in the Chinese garden, drink international coffees; someday, whatever you had with him will feel like enough.

--Suey

 

 


Previous Columns:

5/5/99

  -Crushed out on movie stars
5/12/99  

-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid she's a stalker!

5/19/99   -How to buy a dildo
5/26/99   -Do you think it's OK to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a gay man.
6/2/99   -Should I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just her money?
6/9/99   -My boyfriend feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my ex?
6/16/99   -dildos can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men?
6/23/99  

-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking

6/30/99   -black man seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer
  -My lover is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do
7/14/99   -Buying porn
7/21/99  

-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married

7/28/99

-My girlfriend is obsessed with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend

8/4/99  

-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love and sex.

8/11/99   -I'm 19, but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal?
8/18/99  

-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for two weeks.

8/25/99  

-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight, and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance any more.

9/1/99  

-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?

9/8/99  

-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my life?

9/15/99

-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.

9/22/99   -My boyfriend doesn't like my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac.
9/29/99 -I can't reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies.
10/6/99   -How to date with the teenage children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush.
10/13/99 -I've never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend?
10/20/99   -How should I discuss my spanking fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'?
10/27/99   -My wife wants to have sex with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem.
11/03/99   -Why does every woman of quality have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men.
11/10/99   -A friend of mine has eyes for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends
11/17/99   -I'm a frustrated 16-year-old male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an ex-boyfriend.
11/24/99   -Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart
12/01/99   -I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless?
12/08/99   -My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic
12/15/99   -I love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's millenium-worthy
12/22/99   -What's your opinion on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me
12/28/99   -Should I get back together with my child's father?
- On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats?
1/5/00   -My phone chat line 'friend' turns out to be my co-worker's fiancée
1/12/00   -I think I'm addicted to sex
-My boyfriend is a cross-dresser
1/19/00  

-Is it true that men like girls?
-My job and my man are not compatible

1/26/00   -Is web sex cheating?
-Dealing with self-consciousness
2/2/00   -It's Desperate Hunky Man Week!
2/9/00   -Is making out with a drunk friend a bad idea?
2/16/00  

-Is my boyfriend still fantasizing about a threesome?
-Tips for a virgin on what makes a woman quiver.

2/23/00  

-What do I say to people who ask why I've never been married?
-What's the proper etiquette for dating through the personals?

3/01/00   -My boyfriend believes that men are not required to reciprocate sexually.
-How can I make up for missing Valentine's Day?
3/08/00   -What should I do with my once-cheating boyfriend?.
-Exclusively online romances have their advantages?
3/15/00   -I love performing oral sex, but hate eating the hair.
-My girlfriend doesn't enjoy sex, she's just a cuddler.
3/22/00   -My girlfriend is dating a married man.
-I just got out of a long-term relationship, do I want another right now?
4/12/00   -I would like to try stripping, but I've some things to overcome
-I met a booth stripper, during her show and now I'm in love.
4/19/00   -My ex-girlfriend still entertains ideas of us reconciling. I'm ignoble.
-How can I prolong my happy time?
4/26/00   -My guy's so sexually pedestrian
-Our daughter is bitter at us for breaking off her affair with an older man
5/03/00   -I'm an ex-porn performer and I know nothing of lovemaking, only fucking
-I'm tired of being the guy friend.
5/10/00   -Suey hears from the virgins
5/17/00   -What do you think about Ross Jeffries' Speed Seduction seminar and other programs that promise to teach a guy how to get women in bed?
5/24/00   -I've recently started paling around (and more) with a married guy; now it's getting weird.
5/31/00   -Without a ring how is a guy to know if a woman's available?
-I love my husband but recently we fight about everything. I want to try marriage counselling but we're both skeptical.
6/7/00   -"I want to know what love is"
-I'm attracted to unavailable men. Married, uncommunicative, religious, sports-oriented or work-obsessed men seem to be my specialty.
6/14/00   -My best friend, who's a straight male, initiated a sexual encounter. Now our friendship is horribly strained, what's a guy to do?
-What's the etiquette on roommates bringing home lovers and all that?
6/21/00   - There's this girl.... and I want to talk to her.
-Why is it that all the men I meet only want to casually date or have casual sex?
6/28/00   -I'm involved in a relationship that I'm afraid might shock and alienate my family and friends, how to proceed?
7/04/00   - I met this wonderful girl...
7/12/00   -I'm a guy who doesn't like sex.
-I broke up with my boyfriend of three years, but now I deeply regret it...
7/19/00   - Suey, what's with your lame gender cliches?
7/26/00   -I think I'm Straight-Curious (if there is such a thing)
-I've been off and on with my college boyfriend for over 12 years. We're having trouble moving to the next level.
8/2/00  

- I'm 32, just divorce, and dating a guy who's 25. Is there something wrong with what I'm doing??
- I am older and therefore wiser. Your readers are naive. I'll help you set them straight.

8/9/00   -Just when I had lost all hope in men, I met the most amazing guy.
-I'm thinking about contacting a dominatrix. Any advice on how to present myself?
8/16/00  

-My boyfriend is such a sweetheart when he's with me, but when he's out with his guy friends, he turns into a total pig.

-The world's biggest ass

8/23/00   -A year ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of three years with another woman. How can I fix this? He is freaking out.
-Oh Ms. Chow, in this case you're wrong
8/30/00  

-When do you tell someone you're dating that you have hepatitis?

9/6/00   -Clueless fellow in deeply sordid situation
-I'm beginning to suspect a connection between chemical dependency and emotional dependency, or maybe between fitness and emotional independence.
-Is there any way to turn down a bridesmaid offer without offending?
9/13/00   -My wife doesn't want to have sex anymore
-I used to be in the sex service profession, should I tell the man I'm about to marry?
9/20/00   -I started playing out some of my fantasies with my lover in the last year. Things have gotten complex.
- I explained that nail polish is only for girls, to which my son insisted, "I'm a girl too!"


 

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