Dear Suey,
I'd like to get your perspective on a silly but vexing
dilemma. A year and a half ago, I met a wonderful person through
WW's personals. The relationship took off and we are
still thrilled with each other. The problem? We are both divorced
and each have one child living with us. They are teenagers,
which means they pop in and out of our respective houses at
all hours of the day and evening. Boy, I thought sex while
married-with-children was difficult to arrange. HA! We've
considered obvious solutions such as motels, our offices after
hours, out-of-town weekends, etc., but money, career-crushing
embarrassment and the need to be on-site parents have thwarted
us. It's been several months now since we've enjoyed an "intimacy
encounter," and we're both feeling pretty ridiculous and deprived.
Neither kid has much interest in staying overnight at other
places (we've made home too attractive, I guess), or, when
they do, and we've taken advantage of the situation, they've
both returned unexpectedly, sometimes with friends in tow
("Surprise, I'm home!"). Ideas?
--It's MY Turn for a Sleep-Over
Dear My Turn,
Take your time in answering the door, roll your eyes, and
make it clear that you're busy. When they leave, jump on
the bed and get back to heavy petting, even if the kids
are still in the house. Teenagers don't waste time feeling
self-conscious or shy about what they're doing in their
own bedrooms, and neither should you. Finally, when you
get tired of messing around your own room, put a couple
of blankets in a daypack and head for the great outdoors.
As I remember it, Nature is makeout central.
Of course, you could also explain to the kids (when they're
old enough) why you need a little time to yourselves. They
won't get it, and it probably won't change anything, but
it's good for communication if you try. Then start counting
the days until college.
--Suey
Dear Ms. Chow (my momma said never use first names
until invited),
I am a 27-year-old gay man with a problem. Get ready,
it's complicated:
Last year, I fell hard for "Moe", an affectionate, 21-year-old
bisexual man. Unfortunately, Moe was never once romantically
attracted to me. I spent the next several months trying
to get over Moe, confiding in my good friend "Larry" (he's
32). I told Larry everything. Larry recommended that I forget
Moe (he thought Moe was treating me badly). Moe and I became
good friends anyway.
Two months ago, just as I was finally getting over him,
Moe confessed that he and Larry had been dating for two
weeks. I hit the roof, but we eventually came to an understanding
and remain close friends.
But I'm not so sure about my one-time confidant Larry.
While Moe and I spent a lot of time talking about his decision
to date Larry and why it affected me, Larry refuses to even
discuss it, saying, "Moe never liked you, so you have no
reason to be pissed with me. You have no right to interfere
in our decision to date." And now, for the second time in
a week, Larry has come down on me for something I said privately
to Moe.
I have two questions. First, was I justified in feeling
hurt that Moe and Larry decided to date without ever talking
to me about it? And second, what should I do about Larry?
I don't want to abandon him as a friend, but I will not
be attacked for things meant only for Moe.
--Curly in Vancouver
Dear Curly,
Why haven't you left any small dead animals in their refrigerators
and metal forks in their microwaves? Why aren't you slapping
them over the head with an ironing board and juicing their
videotape collections every chance you get? Larry and Moe
didn't need to ask your permission to date. And yet it's
your right to feel bad anyway and insult them for it.
To defend themselves against potential nose pullings, Moe
has hit upon the clever strategy of throwing himself upon
your mercy: He's listening, he's sympathizing, he's telling
Larry how bad you feel. Larry is denying any responsibility
at all, being older, wiser, and the bigger cheat of the
two (double-crossing friends are much worse than unrequited-love
objects under classic TV's strict moral standards).
In a sense, Larry is correct. He did wait until you were
practically over Moe; they did tell you. The real question
is, will you exercise your societally sanctioned right to
hurl horseshoes and kitchen pots? Or will you forgive them
for doing (almost) everything right and still managing to
hurt you?
You seem to be in a mood to limit the damage, so I recommend
the following:
1) Don't talk about Moe and Larry's relationship with Moe
or Larry. When you need to vent, find an impartial audience:
a friend, a therapist, a creative-writing class. You've
already hashed it out with Moe, and at some point, Larry
will probably want to deal with your feelings too. But clearly
not now. Give him a few months; let him come to you when
he's ready.
2) Go ahead and feel angry, betrayed, depressed or vindictive
for as long as it takes, but try not to hold it against
the Stooges. Instead, heckle your congressman, berate your
neighbors, write angry letters to the sanitation department.
Then go over to Larry's and Moe's to unwind, watch cable
TV and eat their spaghetti.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published October 6,
1999
|
