Dear Suey,
A friend of mine has eyes for a guy she's working with. She's
not sure if this person is interested. When she approaches
him, he seems very much into the conversation, yet he doesn't
come by her office as much as she goes by his. Once she casually
asked him to hang out, but he was going out of town that weekend.
She decided not to go past his office after that but, to her
surprise, he came to see her. He was still talking casually,
but she said he appeared to be really nervous. Did he come
by because he knew she was really asking for a date, or did
he believe she was just being friendly? I've been telling
her that loneliness is causing her to mix up the signals.
--A Friend
Dear AF,
Tell your friend to stop bugging you with questions you
can't answer. If she really wants to know whether he likes
her, the person to ask is this guy.
Of course, there are a couple reasons not to bother.
First, he's a coworker. Your friend can't just drink herself
into confessional stupor, crash into a wall, throw up on
his shoes and then avoid the DMV for the next five years.
She'll have to go back, because she works there.
Second, even if does she screw up the courage to ask, he
probably won't give a straight answer. That's because nobody
knows what "interested" means anymore. Does it mean two
nights in a Vegas hotel room, gambling away your entire
Visa card limit via satellite TV? Or does it mean a lifetime
commitment to couples counseling, a dog that sheds and a
landslide condo in the 'burbs?
I recommend indulging in confusion for a while longer.
Let her ask him out again, and let him be uncertain about
whether she's asking for a date or just being friendly.
Ideally, the flirting will remain "casual" until no one
can bear it any longer. When they are both able to achieve
a confessional stupor without getting drunk, that's the
time to act.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I just don't understand. I am a strong, independent woman
and have been on my own for a long time now. I'm down to
earth, I dress nice but casually (no pumps or short skirts),
and I have what people call "girl-next-door" looks.
I have tons of male friends. They respect and admire me
as a person; they tell me intimate details of their life,
and we have great fun together. A couple of years ago, I
told one of these guys that I wanted to be more than friends
with him. Well, he freaked, and we ended up having a strained
relationship until I made it all better by telling him what
he wanted to hear: that I no longer had "those" kind of
feelings for him. I have had this happen two more times
since then.
I think men are intimidated by me. I think men, despite
all this talk about admiring or even wanting an independent
woman, really still want a needy, blathering woman with
good looks and no brain. These friends of mine are intelligent,
caring, good men. And they have all gone on to have terrible
relationships with manipulative, egocentric and troubled--but
pretty--women.
All have come to me afterward to give me all the sordid
details about these failed relationships. It's like they
see me as a sister or something.
Suey, am I too nice? Should I be more manipulative? Should
I dress up, wear more make-up, flirt, pretend I'm dumb--what?
--Girl Next Door
Dear Girl,
So, after they tell you all about their failed relationships,
what do your guy friends say when you confess the sordid,
intimate details of your dateless Saturday night to them?
The flickering dregs of network TV, the half-eaten bags
of Oreo cookies, the futile search for human companionship
at the late-night Taco Bell?
This arrangement is probably a good deal for them. You're
not judgmental like Mom or sadistic like Sis. Advice seems
to well up in you like a virgin birth, unsullied by personal
experience or desire. It therefore seems trustworthy, unbiased
and cosmically inspired.
To get a date, though, you'll have to break through their
precious misconceptions. Declare your most secret desires
and fears, watch for reactions. Then ask a few of the most
intelligent and caring of your male friends (i.e., your
favorites of the ones who hang around) to set you up with
a friend.
And by the way, the "girl next door" look is dead; it was
replaced in 1990 by the CK1 attitude. I don't care if you
have chubby cheeks, a nonexistent ass or three heads sprouting
from your neck--these days, you can do something with it.
Never mind the makeup (instead, try henna), and you don't
have to be someone you're not (unless you want to be Marlene
Dietrich). However, if you're less than thrilled with your
appearance, then it's time to enhance your individuality.
Remember, you're really not a type.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published November 10,
1999
|
