Dear Suey,
I'm a male 16-year-old junior and think of myself as reasonably
attractive, nice, sweet and a good listener: seemingly almost
all that girls say they "want" in a guy. I know I'm not the
hottest guy alive, but I'm not at all ugly either. I get along
very well and have a lot of fun with many, many girls at school,
synagogue, orchestra, etc., but I can't seem to get anywhere
beyond the conversation mode with girls. What I'm wondering
is this: How does one get past this stage and get a relationship
to the more romantic, sexual kind? Every time I start to get
close to someone, the relationship just kind of stalls and
doesn't go anywhere, which is very frustrating. I just can't
seem to get to where I'd like to be with anyone. I haven't
had a girlfriend since eighth grade, and I'd really appreciate
your advice on this.
--Frustrated High-School Guy
Dear HSG,
By nature, high school is frustrating. Textbooks are seemingly
printed with the toxic fumes of sleep-inducing ink, nobody
in class has any personal experience with colonial trade
routes, and the math instructors keep giving different reasons
why you can't divide by zero. To escape brain death, the
mind naturally turns toward dating and the possibility of
skipping a grade.
For many of us, however, both are idle daydreams, and we
are forced to pass notes to each other year after year,
period after period. In retrospect, I'm grateful to the
system. Those notes taught me how to talk to boys and communicate
with girls, how to write the kind of snotty opinion pieces
that would eventually cross over really well to Internet
movie-review sites.
They helped my classmates to forge a generational identity,
and they created a paper trail I could follow long after
age and memory loss had erased my grip on the past.
HSG, I suspect all the gabbing with girls will pay off
for you too. As your generation moves into the workforce,
with its inscrutable HR departments and distant employers,
your peers will become obsessed with finding someone who
will truly listen. Someday, that someone could be you.
But for now, you're 16 going on 10,001 (in binary years)
and high school lacks privacy. Given the constant surveillance
of teachers, other students and the PTA, it might be easier
to invite a potential love interest to hang out after school
(synagogue doesn't count!). But have you found someone who
makes you want to risk such an overture? If not, study hard;
you'll get more chances in college.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I'm completely head over heels for my boyfriend of two years,
except for one thing: He's terribly jealous of an ex-boyfriend.
My ex and I are still in touch, but strictly as friends--I've
known him since we were kids, and the romantic relationship
never meant as much as the friendship does. But no matter
what I (or my ex) tell my current boyfriend, he gets insanely
jealous. I'm dreading the holidays; the ex is also a friend
of the family, and last year, my b.f. picked a big fight
with me because I was laughing too loudly with the ex over
an old childhood prank. I understand why my guy feels like
the odd one out, but everyone has done their best to make
my boy feel welcome; the wounded-lover act is getting old
now.
None of my boyfriend's solutions make any sense--I don't
want to avoid all my family dinners, and I can't ask my
mom not to invite the ex's family. Now my boyfriend is threatening
not to come to my parents' place at all.
My ex is a really important (non-romantic) friend to me.
I really want these two to get along. Help!
--Lover Girl
Dear Lover Girl,
I assume you've tried talking sense, explaining facts, making
reassurances and so forth. I'm sure it didn't work. That's
because your boy is spooked by the idea of sitting through
14-course turkey dinners for the rest of eternity, high
on egg nog and sugar from a stranger's pumpkin pie, hearing
cute stories about you and your ex while the future parents-in-law
smile indulgently at the wrong man and your soon-to-be children
call the ex "Pappy". Reason has little power against such
morbid fantasies.
Why not try bribing your sweetie, instead? Promise him
that if he's willing to tolerate your family dinners (which
to his mind can only be a cruel mockery of a real holiday),
you and he will privately celebrate Thanksgiving "for real"
on a separate occasion. Offer to fire up the microwave,
open a can of jellied cranberry sauce and snuggle in sleeping
bags in front of the tube. Show him who you really want
to be with when the biggest social event of the season is
just for you and him.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published November 23,
1999
|
