Dear Suey,
I moved away from my boyfriend to go to graduate school last
year. We lived together for three years before I moved out.
We still see each other every weekend and talk several times
a day on the phone. He told me recently that he wants to have
sex with other women. He says it's because he's bored and
lonely while I'm gone, but I can't help feeling hurt. I feel
like he wants to use sex with others to avoid facing our real
problems, namely being apart, but when I mention it, he shrugs
it off. He insists that he just wants to "have a little fun."
I feel that we've stopped communicating effectively about
this. Or at least we've reached an impasse. I'm not sure where
to go from here. What's your advice?
--Left Out in NC
Dear LO,
In an ideal world, we'd all be young and well-toned for
the rest of our lives, with 50 lovers at our beck and call.
We'd drink grape juice from thimbles served by proud waitresses
in delicately embroidered togas; free plastic pens would
be distributed wherever we went; and the landscape would
be made out of pure money. Then again, maybe I'm thinking
of Las Vegas.
And yet it's difficult to resist the logic of the free-love
enthusiast. A loving relationship shouldn't put limitations
on the loved one's affection; a commitment shouldn't come
with strings attached. Redundant health-care coverage, multiple
sets of bed sheets, honest lust--the benefits of the non-monogamist
lifestyle are innumerable. The only reasons not to get involved
are insecurity, jealousy and fear of abandonment: in other
words, the dregs of human experience.
Try to accept that your emotional reactions, unsightly
as they may be, are worthy enough reasons for you to stick
by monogamy. At the same time, your guy seems to have reasons
for wanting something else, and right now, they're important
to him--so important that he's willing to risk hurting you.
You have a decision to make. If there is a way you can let
him alleviate his boredom, have fun, make sure about his
feelings for you, etc., without feeling like you've betrayed
yourself, then try that for a while--it'll free you up to
ogle the hottie titrating steroids in your chem lab. But
if a monogamy is what you want, then you'll have to give
up your out-of-town beau. Take a break, agree to catch up
with each other in six months or a year, have a good cry.
Then move on.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I've been living with a sweet woman for three years now,
and the first year was incredibly good. We cooked dinners
together, went on long walks, shared thoughts and feelings,
made love whenever we wanted to. Now I make an appointment
to have sex with her. She's become a capitalist zombie--eating
muffins, skipping meals, zooming into the house at 8 or
9 at night to check her e-mail (!). When I can get her into
the woods, she brings a cell-phone! There's no balance in
our lives. I've tried taking her camping, but she just gets
bored, sleeps a lot, then wants a phone booth to check her
messages. What happened? She's constantly complaining about
her workload, but she doesn't seem to set any limits on
it. I want the woman I fell in love with, not this careerist
monster she's become.
--The Marxist
Dear Marxist,
I am a recovering workaholic, and
I must admit to you, there's nothing like the thrill of
racing against an irrational deadline. Never mind that the
work is boring, repetitive and mentally suffocating; the
adrenaline rush you get from placing unrealistic expectations
on your productivity makes the paperwork dance before your
very eyes. The mouse leaps and twirls, the e-mail program
jingles like a slot machine with a million junk-mail messages.
It's the gambler's thrill, pure and unadulterated.
If your loved one has developed the Microsoft slump, if
she talks incessantly about IPOs and gets twitchy every
time you ask her when she's last had a bath, then indeed
she has fallen prey. Of course she gets bored when she's
not working; she simply misses her adrenaline fix.
Luckily, the Internet economy is bound to collapse any
day now, and when it does, she will probably lose her job.
That's when you'll swoop in with poetry readings, ceramics
classes and other "boring" activities. That's when you'll
get your chance to reclaim the sensitive, passionate human
being within.
In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to nag (she'll probably
tune you out anyway). Leave interesting books around the
house, fill her home office with flowers and salsa music.
Surreptitiously cut the phone lines and serve her a 12-course
meal--insist that she sit through it all. And keep going
on those walks, alone if you have to. Eventually, she'll
notice the leaves in your hair and the smell of the forest.
It'll remind her of someone she almost forgot.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published December 8,
1999
|
