Dear Suey,
I find a coworker to be very attractive. Incredibly attractive,
in fact. We get along well, we laugh easily together, and
we also have many common interests. For the most part, I keep
my distance and have not attempted to pursue this person because:
a) we work in the same room , and b) this person is quite
religious, belonging to one of the more structured organizations.
I'm an agnostic.
What's your opinion on dating coworkers, or people of extremely
different faiths (or lack thereof)? Will you be the umpteenth
person to tell me to forget about it? Will that matter?
--Clockwatcher
Dear Clockwatcher,
I have never worried much about dating coworkers, as I am
always looking for an excuse to quit my day job. I suppose
if I were more interested in the details of work, with its
stifling boredom, ant-sized power plays and perplexing copier
jams, I wouldn't spend so much time daydreaming about conference-room
sex scenes between Bill Gates and his wife. But it sounds
like you tolerate your paid labor opportunities with some
degree of satisfaction and are unwilling to ASCII-format
your resume just now.
In that case, you'll want to ask your officemate to the
movies, but in a way that minimizes potential day-after
embarrassment. It's best not to beg, not to insist, not
to lean in too close or mumble and, most importantly, not
to look so awfully horrified if your special someone says
no. If you're the type to take rejection to heart, then
use your head: Wait until the end of a workday to ask (so
you have a good excuse to leave early), note the fire-escape
exits (so you know the quickest way out), and save up a
few sick days (so you can at least pretend to write your
resignation letter).
Now, about your religious questions... Of course you should
listen to your friends and their pastors. We're full of
stories about Irish Catholics who married Neo-Confucianists
in Baptist churches and opted out of the rhythm method,
or converted Rastafarians who got themselves hitched to
lapsed Hasidic Jews in civil ceremonies and decided to raise
their firstborn in a Hellenistic faith. Still, no matter
how oddly worrying these scenarios may sound, they don't
really speak to your specific circumstances. It would be
more enlightening to ask your would-be movie date. Perhaps
you could sidle up to the issue during an after-work heart
to heart; use the question as a way to know each other better.
Then decide what form of worship this particular love idol
will admit.
--Suey
Dear Suey,
I'm a 28-year-old SWM with a major problem. For five and
a half years, I've been seeing a beautiful older woman (we'll
call her Ms. X) and I have been absolutely crazy about her.
She's intelligent, sensitive, caring, has an amazing sense
of humor--but, sigh, I'm seeing cracks in the foundation.
Key points:
1.) Early in the relationship, when I was looking for a
new apartment, Ms. X let me stay with her. We argued constantly.
I eventually found a great apartment. Things got better
between us.
2.) By the end of our second year, I was so in love with
Ms. X that I asked her to marry me. (Bathtub, candles, etc.)
She flatly said "No," and that we couldn't afford it, and
anyway, she doesn't believe in marriage. It's a piece of
paper. Meaningless.
3.) She also pointed out that she will never, ever,
ever live in the same apartment or house with me. Never.
But she loves me very much, and she wants to keep seeing
me.
The whole idea of marriage has me thrown for a loop. I'm
a pretty liberal-minded individual. And in a way, I agree
with Ms. X! Marriage doesn't mean anything on paper. But
I can't get over the fact that she and I have this extreme
difference of opinion on the subject (and about ever living
together).
It's hard not to wonder what it would be like if I were
free to date someone else . But if I heard from Ms. X tomorrow
that she would--even only "someday"--marry me, and we could
get a house together, it would make me incredibly happy.
I'm at a loss about what to do!
--Mr. Y
Dear Mr. Y,
You're 28 now. You've had a chance to find out whether marriage,
home and kids are simply the passing fantasies of youth,
on your way to a more settled existence as the quasi-hermitic,
neo-Parisian, well-bathed lover of a beautiful older woman.
But as it turns out, you are stubborn. She's had five of
your most impressionable years to mold you, and still you
dream of the bourgeois family life. Likewise, you have not
been able to budge her an inch.
I think it's time to put an end to this conflict, gently
if you can, dramatically if you must. Keep seeing your new
friends, give yourself a chance to regret the one you're
leaving behind. In five years, the idea of separate households
might seem attractive to you again. But you have to discover
this for yourself.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| |
|
|
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Willamette Week | originally
published December 28,
1999
|
