Dear Suey,
OK, let me break it down... I'm confused. I'm 28 and I have
a daughter who is almost 4 years old. I've been with her father
"Jim," off and on for almost 10 years. Three years into the
relationship, we broke up, were apart 1 1/2 years,
got back together for another try and had our daughter a couple
of years later, then split again about 1 1/2 years
ago.
Basically, I couldn't take being in a relationship without
passion. After our daughter was born, so much changed, he
started working two jobs, I felt like a single parent even
with him around. We didn't talk much, and, well, I have
never had a strong physical connection to him. I just felt
like I needed to be happy; we both did.
After we broke up, we started seeing other people. But
now Jim wants to get back together and get married, and
I'm scared. Jim floods me with cards and letters, and it
pisses me off that he couldn't profess his love until now,
until I was ready to move on.
But it seems different this time. Our conversations are
different, he understands my family structure, and me, the
good and bad. It's hard to replace that. In fact he's reading
my Gary Zukav books. Is it reality? Can passion be created?
Or re-created? Or does structure win out for the happiness
of my daughter? If I decide to get back together with him,
it will be for Round 3, and I don't know if I have the courage
to try again, not yet. How can I explore the option but
not let him pressure me to make an instant decision regarding
the future of our "family"?
--Almost have it figured out
Dear Almost,
Um, actually, I have no idea what you should do. But it's
clearly time to get out of this desperate Tunnel of Love,
before the Magic Fingers on the heart-shaped bed overheat
and jiggle the flesh loose from your bones, and the hovering
lovesick zombies suck you dry, and your daughter's head
starts spinning like Linda Blair's from trying to figure
out whom Mommy loves today and why. Definitely time to get
your head out of the tent.
Admittedly, you're in a tough spot. Every once in a while,
we meet romantic partners who seem to raise more questions
than they answer: Is commitment more important than sex?
Is communication more important than agreement? Is family
life more important than passion? I honestly don't know
the answer to these questions. But I often suspect that
confusing paradoxes crop up mostly when we're trying to
dodge our own feelings.
Your ex has done his dirty work--he has bravely searched
his soul and come up with an answer. You can't put off your
own response any longer, not by complaining about his lack
of affection/commitment/communication skills/passion. (And
besides, if you're not feeling the love juice in your veins,
does it matter what he does?) Frankly, you've got a lot
of explaining to do...to him and to yourself. You might
want to find a counselor to help you sort fact from fantasy
in your own heart.
In the meantime, you and your daughter could use a little
stability. Is it possible to develop a steady relationship
with your ex which is not necessarily a romantic one? He
will always be the father of your child, a part of your
daughter's immediate family and your extended one. You can't
blame your ex for pressuring you, but if you can reassure
yourself and him that there will always be a place for him
in your lives, you'll give yourself the space you need to
understand the rest of your feelings too. Don't be afraid
of the dark. You'll find the answers where you least expect
them. --Suey
Dear Suey,
On the cheating scale, how bad are online sex chats? The
way I figure it, if he's allowed to look at porn, I should
be allowed to read it.
--Hot and Bothered
Dear HB,
Sounds logical. I don't tend to argue about other people's
choice of masturbation accouterment. Of course, it may be
more difficult to convince your boyfriend.
Ask your beloved what he thinks the difference is between
what he does and what you do. Are skin mags safer because
the distribution and marketing mechanisms-that-be provide
a safe fantasy buffer between him and an obsessed Rupert
Everett look-alike turned psychotic killer come knocking
on the bedroom window? If so, then explain that you use
an untraceable username to protect your identity online.
Is he worried about the emotional bond and hilarious insider
emoticons that may develop between you and your bevy of
online hunks? If so, then remind him that you don't know
who these people are either: for all you care, they may
be teenage girls in Arkansas, cutting and pasting together
their Internet identities in PhotoshopLite from Structure
catalogues and Mapplethorpe remainders.
But if he's mostly concerned about the time you're spending
away from him (and the greenish glow you've developed from
sitting in front of the CRT), then shake off your sex-chat
stupor and expend a little energy on the hottie sulking
on the real-life bed.
--Suey
Previous
Columns:
|
5/5/99
|
|
-Crushed out on movie stars |
| 5/12/99 |
|
-My 22-year-old daughter is threatening to marry
her 23-year-old boyfriend
-I met someone over the Internet - but I'm afraid
she's a stalker!
|
| 5/19/99 |
|
-How to buy a dildo |
| 5/26/99 |
|
-Do you think it's OK
to break up with a guy over sex?
-My boyfriend is homophobic and my best friend is a
gay man. |
| 6/2/99 |
|
-Should
I choose a relationship or the single life?
-How can I tell if I really love my girlfriend, or just
her money? |
| 6/9/99 |
|
-My boyfriend
feels like a pervert
-Should I jeopardize my relationship for sex with my
ex? |
| 6/16/99 |
|
-dildos
can reaffirm your humanity
-where are all the straight men? |
| 6/23/99 |
|
-My wife wants an open marriage
-I can't stand my in-laws' cooking
|
| 6/30/99 |
|
-black man
seeks advice for courting an Asian lady
-tip from a queer customer |
|
|
|
-My lover
is a slob
-Breaking up is hard to do |
| 7/14/99 |
|
-Buying porn |
| 7/21/99 |
|
-After two years, my boyfriend and I don't have sex
enough
-I'm still in love with my ex, and she's getting married
|
| 7/28/99 |
|
-My girlfriend is obsessed
with telephone psychics.
- I'd rather be with my cat than my girlfriend
|
| 8/4/99 |
|
-I started seeing a guy who's an 'emotional dud'
-I'm 50-plus and want to get back into dating, love
and sex.
|
| 8/11/99 |
|
-I'm 19,
but I only like older women
-When should I meet my online pal? |
| 8/18/99 |
|
-I haven't been attracted to anyone lately
-My girlfriend changed her mind when I was gone for
two weeks.
|
| 8/25/99 |
|
-My boyfriend believes it was love at first sight,
and I don't.
-My boyfriend claims I don't take care of my appearance
any more.
|
| 9/1/99 |
|
-Do I really want my first time to be as "Girlfriend
No. 71"?
-Is this your real name?
|
| 9/8/99 |
|
-My girlfriend likes to wear thong underwear, and
wants me to as well.
-Is it that bad to be romantically dormant all my
life?
|
| 9/15/99 |
|
-Cold sores ruined my relationship
-Suey's relationship track record.
|
| 9/22/99 |
|
-My boyfriend doesn't like
my artwork.
-My girlfriend drives like a maniac. |
| 9/29/99 |
|
-I can't
reach orgasm with my girlfriend.
-Break-up avoidance strategies. |
| 10/6/99 |
|
-How to date with the teenage
children living at home.
-My best friend ran off with my crush. |
| 10/13/99 |
|
-I've
never had an orgasm. Do you have any suggestions for
me?
-What should I do with my argumentative boyfriend? |
| 10/20/99 |
|
-How should I discuss my spanking
fantsies with my wife?
-Are Portland women 'cold'? |
| 10/27/99 |
|
-My wife wants to have sex
with another man
-Impotence. That's the problem. |
| 11/03/99 |
|
-Why does every woman of quality
have a boyfriend?
-I am in love with three men. |
| 11/10/99 |
|
-A friend of mine has eyes
for a guy she's working with
-I have tons of male friends, but no boyfriends |
| 11/17/99 |
|
-I'm a frustrated 16-year-old
male
-My boyfriend of two years is terribly jealous of an
ex-boyfriend. |
| 11/24/99 |
|
-Does penis size matter?
-My marriage is falling apart |
| 12/01/99 |
|
-I'm in love with my best friend
-How do women in porn films get their crotches so hairless? |
| 12/08/99 |
|
-My long-distance partner wants to be non-monogamous
-My partner is a workaholic |
| 12/15/99 |
|
-I
love my partner, but want to have sex with other women
-I'm in a good relationship, but my girlfriend's not
interested in sex
-I've been dating someone new, but I'm not sure if he's
millenium-worthy |
| 12/22/99 |
|
-What's your opinion
on dating coworkers?
-I love my girlfriend, but she won't marry me |
- - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Willamette Week | originally
published December 28,
1999
|
